VIRTUE CAN ONLY TAKE YOU SO FAR

I met William J. Bennett seven years ago at a naturalization ceremony for
several dozen brand-new American citizens. Even for a jaded newsie, it was
hard not to choke up while watching them happily file by a huge,
flag-draped trash can and ceremoniously toss in little flags representing
their native countries.

In the speech that followed, Bennett extolled the virtues of the Good
American: honesty, hard work, self-discipline and the ability to
successfully double down without looking like a monkey at the blackjack tables.

Bennett, a former "drug czar," which, in actual fact does NOT require him
to wear a funny pointy hat, is the self-appointed King of Virtues. So
imagine my surprise when I read that he'd lost $8 million playing video
poker. VIDEO POKER. Not even a classy James Bondian game like baccarat,
which requires shirt and shoes. Video poker? He's like those pathetic old
men I used to see in Atlantic City, N.J., who'd spend all day betting
quarters on motorized plastic horses racing around an Astroturf-covered table.

I don't know. For a former U.S. secretary of education, it's just so, well,
un-czarlike.

You could argue that Bennett spent his own money pursuing an activity in
legally operated casinos. He pointed out that he didn't put his family "at
risk" or "spend the milk money."

Heck, I know the guy's insanely rich. He probably didn't even spend the
"ski retreat in Vail" money. The rich, hons, are not like you and me. They
have never known the sweaty anticipation of scratching off the numbers on
the Tic-Tac-Dough lottery tickets.

So what if Bennett lost more than $500,000 in Vegas one day last April?
It's his to lose, right?

Maybe I'm just bitter. After all, nowhere in my 5-year-old's copy of
Bennett's best-selling "Children's Book of Virtues" does it mention
anything really useful. Instead of the blather about how "a brave heart
will always persevere as long as it takes to get the job done," why not
tell us something we can truly use, such as how to persevere to get the
best five-card hand so we can earn the bonus with our payout?

Instead of the heartwarming tale of the little Dutch boy saving his town by
holding his finger in the dike, why not tell us how to sniff out the best
slots at Harrah's?

Education schmeducation. As long as you work on your Joker Poker playing
skills, you might as well use that high-school diploma to wipe the
hot-wings grease off your chin at drink-free-til-you-pee night at the casino.

Virtue is its own reward, as they say. But you don't get your room comped
with virtue, right Billy boy?