LETTERS NEVER SENT

Real issues, imaginary correspondents: Here are letters to the editor that
we wish we'd received:

\ Outlaw school board: Good role modeling

Talk about a loophole: The Riverview School Board in southeastern
Wisconsin's Silver Lake says a state law requiring all schools to start
after Sept. 1 has no penalty. So the board plans to defy the law.

Board President Jim Burnett gets a political courage award for standing up
to the tourism lobby and mandate-happy lawmakers by vowing to open local
schools before Labor Day: "We're just going to do it," he said, adding
drily: "The board is reasonably sure none of our children work in the
Wisconsin Dells."

The law keeps cheap student help at work in tourism jobs through the busy
Labor Day weekend. But Riverview's outlaw officials are right: School
calendars ought to be set by local boards, not state law. Plus, the edict
has nothing to do with educational priorities.

State officials are consulting lawyers as Burnett openly incites rebellion:
"If we start the ball rolling, maybe others will follow." Lawmakers had no
trouble reversing themselves on the state's popular do-not-call list. Will
they hear this grassroots yelp as well?

\ Poll: Let's fry em

A majority of Wisconsin residents feel the death penalty doesn't deter
crime, a recent poll says, but they'd like to kill people anyway.

A majority favor bringing back the death penalty despite its proven
ineffectiveness. This indicates only that lawmakers should not make policy
based on polls. Capital punishment is barbaric, costly and inefficient.
Wisconsin's relatively low crime rates prove that execution doesn't deter
crime: States that kill people generally have higher murder rates than
those that don't.

Pandering to pro-death voters will peak this fall when lawmakers consider
holding a statewide advisory referendum asking residents if they want to
start murdering criminals. Lawmakers, satisfy your bloodlust: Kill this bill.

\ Barnyard security act

The U.S. government last year received approval for the highest-ever number
of secret wiretaps and searches of suspected terrorists and spies, an
increase of 31 percent over 2001. And a Senate committee recently has voted
unanimously to approve dramatically increase funding for the nation's spy
apparatus.

What will we get for the money? Stepped-up protection for captive animals
everywhere. A recent raid by the FBI domestic terrorism squad on a
University of Washington fraternity house is part of a nationwide clampdown
on animal rights activism. Let Osama bin Laden freely roam the Pakistan
borderlands: We need to protect our lab rats.

\ Dude, where's my drug war?

Unable to put a lid on Colombian cocaine and Mexican heroin, the U.S. war
on drugs -- you'd forgotten about that one, hadn't you? -- has turned its
considerable forces to that dangerous den of iniquity, Canada.

The Bush administration hints that it will slap trade limits on Canadian
imports if Canada's Parliament reduces criminal penalties for marijuana
possession. Canada, if you must know, is the home of potent and popular
"B.C. Bud" marijuana.

A 2001 study said half of U.S. high school seniors had smoked pot, a
considerable jump from 32.6 percent in 1992. But restricting supply only
raises prices, making the illegal drug trade even more lucrative and
attractive to the young men our country imprisons in droves on drug
charges. Instead of taking a hypocritical slap at a trade partner, we
should do more to curb our demand for the dope.