ALL GOING TO POT

EVERYBODY SING: Grow lights keep on burnin' ... Proud Mary keeps on turnin'
. rollin' ... rollin' ... roll-in on the riv-er ....

Potheads and law enforcement seem equally convinced Ottawa's proposed
marijuana reform is bogus. Politicians tell us their best-hope scenario is
that decriminalizing personal possession won't drive pot use up. So we're
about to spend $245 million to be where we are now. Read that again.

On behalf of the gentle middle -- those of us who don't smoke weed, grow it
or chase those who do -- I can only wail: "WHAT???"

The legislation will increase demand but tighten up supply. Tougher
penalties for growers. Growing bad. Growing evil. But using okay. A "hey,
whatever" for users. High fives, everybody. Take a nap.

Who designed this legislation? The grow-lamp industry? The home-botanicals
lobby?

Let me see if I've got this straight:

* Every Canadian will be allowed to have about 25 joints. There'll be a
$150 to $400 fine if they catch you. But nobody's trying to catch you. So
there are no fines. There's a "kid" fine that's less than the "adult" fine.
That's because we don't want kids too smoke. Read that again.

* Marijuana is one of the top cash crops in the country. But the government
is not inclined to run it, licence it, tax it or control it. They'd rather
spend $245 million chasing pot than make one thin dime of revenue. Trees,
wheat, trucks, traffic, gas, alcohol, tax it all. But weed? Chase it.
What's wrong with this picture?

* Martin Cauchon, the "justice" minister, says 100,000 Canadians will light
up a joint sometime today. That is one-fifth the number of Canadians who
watch illegal satellite TV, and maybe one-tenth the number of Torontonians
who will fail to come to a complete stop at a stop sign today. Why is pot
even on the radar?

* We are talking about a PLANT here. Hel-lo?

Does any other page in the paper have Plant News on it? I see lots of
alternate headlines: Immigration screwups. Unplugged scanners at Pearson.
SARS in the school. The PM doing what he can to screw up the U.S. border
file. Bigger taxes, fewer services. Very little about veggies.

Yet we're about to tie up the Commons for weeks so every elected man-jack
and woman can have a few minutes in the spotlight to yap about weed. The
singular weed unlike the other ground up herbs dispensed--for a $12
handling fee--at a drug store. Are you sick? Too bad you can't buy it there.

Is marijuana an evil plant? Is it a benign plant? A medicinal plant? Is it
Satan's curse or God's blessing? Is it better/worse than beer, wine, booze?
Can you smoke a plant and drive a car? Does it make you goofy? How could we
tell? Can you eat it? Choose one. Discuss. Let go of me. I gotta run to the
window and yell ...

"IT'S A PLANT!"

In the name of heaven, don't any of you people in Ottawa have real jobs?
Earn a living or pay taxes? Notice the schools, roads, airlines are
crumbling? See families and kids in poverty? Let's take our minds off all
that. Let's talk about plants.

My suspicion: This legislation is being introduced to provide individual
members of the Canadian Forces with a healthy buzz before they get on
50-year-old helicopters, re-upped for another decade. Up, up and away.

Naturally, because the Liberals are kind, caring and Kings of the Waffle,
softened marijuana possession legislation must be balanced by a stiff
$245-million educational program telling us not to do what they are about
to let us do. Read that again.

Health Canada will prepare some lovely brochures. Perhaps the Canadian
Medical Association -- which supports the legislation -- can help. Dump
leaflets in the schools -- if they're still standing, SARS-free or just
grumbling landscapes of work-to-rule.

Like my grandma used to exclaim: "Jesus wept."

Canada is not so much governed as directed by a series of expensive,
unsolicited direct mail. And on the fifth day, God said: "Let there be
glossy brochures." I only hope and pray Quebecor gets to print some of them.

Of course if pot were sold in small quantities at your neighbourhood LCBO,
you'd get a lovely brochure every month: Gift pack pitches and Don't Forget
Dope For Dad June 15. The same kind you get now for wine and vodka, with a
cute new product.

Then the bike gangs and underground nogoodniks that control Canada's weed
business would be gone overnight. And we wouldn't have to spend $245
million to be where we are now. Read that again.

Let me scream out the window! Let go of my arms!

"HEY YOU PEOPLE! IT'S A FREAKIN' PLANT!"

Here is the PM's long-sought-after Legacy Program: Clueless.