HILL HACKS SLEEP THROUGH DRUG BUST

Pop quiz: A man is arrested on Parliament Hill with a significant quantity
of marijuana, which he is apparently attempting to distribute to MPs. Is it
a story?

Not, it seems, if the accused is serial candidate and fruitloop John Turmel.

The tiresome Turmel, a professional gambler who holds the Guinness World
Record for the most (unsuccessful) attempts to attain public office, has run
in 53 federal, provincial and municipal contests, wasting the time of such
notable opponents as Byron Muldoon and Sheila Copps.

The press, understandably, is heartily sick of him. So much so that even
when he was allegedly caught May 14 at the members' entrance of Centre
Block, attempting to give legislators free dope as some kind of vague
statement on decriminalization, none of the three-hundred plus alleged
journalists covering the Hill noticed.

According to police, Turmel had three kilos, yes, kilos of marijuana in
Ziploc bags, enough to supply each and every member of parliament with
nearly 10 grams of smooth smoking pleasure. Hill security flatfeet first
mildly suggested he should take his stash elsewhere. When he refused, the
RCMP arrested him and charged with possession for the purposes of
trafficking. He's scheduled to appear in court May 29. The accused is known
to police, having previously been busted for running an unlicensed gambling
establishment in 1993. When he ran in a 2001 byelection in Parry
Sound-Muskoka to replace Ernie Eves, his winning ways somehow got him
charged with trespassing at the frigging all-candidates' meeting.

It is not known whether Turmel was successful in distributing the drugs to
any MPs, but the prime minister grew forgetful later that night, dropping a
reference to the marijuana bill that was part of his prepared speech at a
Montreal fundraiser, while Health Minister Anne McLellan seemed to be
suffering from a bout of mild paranoia, warning that reefer madness would
stalk the land if the weed is decriminalized.

Anyhoo, coverage of the hempy hullabaloo, right under the noses of the
parliamentary press corps, was roughly zero. Unbore-able National Putz hack
Tim Naumetz actually followed up on the story until an editor sniffed that
he didn't want to dignify Turmel with any more "publicity."

In what can only be a bullish sign for Turmel's political prospects, it
turns out he can, contrary to reports, still get arrested in Ottawa. It's
just that nobody cares. Turmel could probably have been reached for comment,
but Frank didn't.