REEFER MADNESS

Canada's Health Minister May Need To Take A Little Of Her Own
Medicine

I wonder if Anne McLellan ever feels liked getting stoned. I wouldn't
blame her, especially after last week.

Somehow, this nice person from Edmonton got stuck with the marijuana
file.

Bummer.

So, last week, the Health Minister tried to comply with a court
decision that struck down the government's medicinal-marijuana
regulations by setting up doctors as dealers.

The plan goes something like this: Health Canada will supply marijuana
to the approximately 500 people cleared to use it for medicinal
purposes -- through their doctors. Cheap, too. Ottawa will sell
patients a gram of Flin Flon Gold (the federal pot farm is located in
an abandoned mine shaft in northern Manitoba) for $5, or a package of
30 seeds for $20 and they can grow their own.

Minister McLellan's hand was forced when the Ontario Superior Court
ruled that Ottawa's Medical Marijuana Access Regulations were
unconstitutional because there was no legal distribution mechanism.
The judge, who ruled in January, gave the government six months to do
something, and the deadline expired on July 9. The minister's plan is
- -- at best -- an interim measure while Ottawa appeals the Ontario
court decision. "Keep in mind," she told reporters, "that it was never
our intention to supply the product."

Now, of course, everyone's furious. Odd, isn't it, how a drug that
makes you stare at the ceiling for hours and think about ice cream and
how nice it would be to have some, causes such anxiety.

The doctors are furious. The Canadian Medical Association is asking
doctors not to deal in grass because the government hasn't made the
case for the safety of medical marijuana. The minister must be asking
herself: What's with the doctors? They deal in billions of dollars
worth of psychoactive brain rippers on a daily basis without so much
as wagging their tongue depressors, and they're freaked out over
dealing a little boo?

The doctors say they're worried about theft from the dispensary, which
brings to mind the old Reefer Madness scare -- crazed potheads
breaking into doctors' offices to get a fix. Your average pothead
probably has a much more reliable source of supply, and anyway, is too
busy watching the ceiling to budge.

The anti-drug warriors are furious. It's all part of the "slippery
slope" as Alliance MP Randy White likes to call it. Before long,
people will be sitting in the middle of intersections painting flowers
on each other's bare midriffs and there will be nothing we can do about it.

Sergeant Glen Hayden, an Edmontonian of a different stripe (three
stripes, to be precise), told a local newspaper the government "is
putting the cart before the horse," and "there are no medical tests or
scientific foundation proving benefits." While Mr. White and Sgt.
Hayden should worry about the long-term impact of thinking in cliches,
they really have nothing to worry about on the benefits of medicinal
marijuana.

A 1999 report called Marijuana and Medicine: Assessing the Science Base, by
the U.S. National Academy of Sciences, concluded: "there are some limited
circumstances in which we recommend smoking marijuana for medical uses."
Specifically, the data "indicate a potential therapeutic value for
cannabinoid drugs, particularly for symptoms such as pain relief, control of
nausea and vomiting, and appetite stimulation." Anyone for ice cream?

The full report, the result of two years of research funded by the
White House drug policy office (!) into all existing data on
marijuana's therapeutic use, is available for scrutiny online at
http://bob.nap.edu/books/0309071550/html.

It's a great piece of work and, on the strength of it, the U.S.
government has authorized seven people to use medical marijuana. No
use running off half-cocked.

Anyway, the medical marijuana advocates are furious, too. Hilary
Black, of something called the B.C. Compassion Club, "Canada's largest
medical marijuana buyers' club," says Ottawa's pot distribution plan
is a "smokescreen." The health minister, Ms. Black suspects, is
pretending to comply with the court order, but knows doctors won't
play along. Paranoid? Perhaps, but Ms. Black gets points for the most
appropriate cliche.

There's little doubt the minister is stalling for time, as the Ontario
Court of Appeal upheld the lower court decision. She can't expect much
different from the Supreme Court of Canada, the most liberal court
this side of Sweden.

Back in the real world, people continue to smoke dope. According to
one survey, Alberta teens are more likely to smoke marijuana than
cigarettes: 42 per cent of Grade 10 to 12 students have tried
marijuana at least once in the last year, while only 24.6 per cent
tried cigarettes. Also, people continue to get busted -- in 2001,
11,000 pot-related arrests were made in B.C. alone.

Police are worried an unholy alliance of the Hell's Angels and
Vietnamese gangs are taking over. Although their prices aren't nearly
as good as Ottawa's, they don't have to rely on doctors to distribute
the product.

After such a week, Ms. McLellan must be tempted to try some of her own
medicine. My advice, Minister? Just sit back, roll a giant spliff,
fire it up, and let your mind float downstream. According to a recent
study at the University of California at San Diego, smoking marijuana
does not cause permanent brain damage -- unlike drinking alcohol. And
if your "interim" plan to distribute medical marijuana is any
indication, you're unfit to operate heavy machinery anyway.