SMOOCHIN' THE POOCH

A Conceited Proposal

If audacious times call for audacious measures,
then I'm sorry to report that no one in City Hall is willing to put
their money where my mouth is. After watching the Santa Barbara City
Council deliberate two weeks ago over a new ordinance to regulate the
how, where, and when of medical marijuana dispensaries, I was struck
more by what wasn't said than by what was. It was a conspicuous case
of the dog that didn't bark, the other shoe that never dropped.

No one ever discussed how City Hall could and should craft the
ordinance to ensure that Santa Barbara gets a serious piece of the
medical marijuana action. Sure, it's nice to keep dispensaries away
from schools, parks, hospitals, daycare centers, and flamenco dance
studios, but can't we expand the conversation in a remunerative fashion?

To steal a line from Duke Ellington, it don't mean a thing if ain't
got that ka-ching. I'm not being greedy here, folks.

Just practical.

Angry Poodle Barbecue

Let's look at the facts.

First, there's the issue of need. If we don't need the money today, we
absolutely will tomorrow.

That's because the bean counters in Sacramento are now projecting a
$14.5 billion budget shortfall for the state government. When they get
through swinging their machetes in the State House, you can be sure
Santa Barbara will have been hacked, gouged, mutilated, and spindled
in the process.

In addition, Measure D--which for nearly 20 years has provided beaucoup
bucks for expensive road repairs and transportation
improvements--expires in two years.

Given that Measure D needs a two-thirds majority to be renewed, its
continued existence should be regarded as very much a long shot. And
if it fails at the ballot box next November, that's a whole lot of
dough Santa Barbara won't be getting anymore.

Likewise, legal challenges are looming that could put aspects of the
city's lucrative Utility Users Tax in peril.

Should these challenges materialize--and local governments across the
state are assuming that they will--City Hall could be out $4 million a
year. Even by Santa Barbara standards, that ain't chicken feed. The
traditional way local governments increase revenues is to approve new
car dealerships or the construction of new mega malls.

But we've already done both.

Santa Barbara clearly needs new revenue streams, and medical marijuana
dispensaries--for all their legally required nonprofit status--are
streaming with revenues.

According to an area pot doc I consulted with, there are roughly 3,000
patients who've been prescribed medical marijuana living in and around
Santa Barbara. Pot sells at about $400 an ounce, so you can do the
math. For those without a pocket calculator, NORML (the National
Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws) pointed out that the
Compassion Center in Alameda County--recently shut down by the
feds--generated $350,000 a year in sales taxes, and one in Bakersfield
cranked out $427,000. NORML estimates California's statewide pot
crop--which includes both medical and recreational applications--could
be worth as much as $2 billion a year. I'm guessing that number is
conservative. Earlier this year, Sheriff's deputies discovered no less
than $500 million worth of plants on the property of my editor,
Marianne Partridge, whose family owns a ranch outside Lompoc. In this
case, guerilla growers associated with a Mexican drug cartel squatted
on some of the exceptionally hard-to-reach portions of her property
and created a massive pot plantation. Why should ganja gangsters make
all the money?

Until this summer, Santa Barbara appeared to be one of the fastest
growing medicinal marijuana markets in the state.

In the past two years, we went from having two dispensaries to 13. And
seven more were on the drawing board.

And why not? Santa Barbara has long been home to the newly wed and the
nearly dead, and those in the latter category have increasingly sought
to create comfortable exit strategies by ingesting marijuana in one
form or another.

There are some serious problems, however.

Even though state voters resoundingly approved medical marijuana
dispensaries 11 years ago, the federal government still maintains
they're against the law. Out of this disagreement, we have a cognitive
dissonance that comes with considerable legal peril.

The feds have shut down many operations throughout the state and put
more than a few operators in the slammer. This past summer, the Drug
Enforcement Administration sent out nasty letters to the landlords of
Santa Barbara's dispensaries threatening to seize their assets or put
them in jail--or both--if they did not cease and desist immediately. The
letters packed major pucker power, and at last count, only five
dispensaries are left. My suggestion is City Hall fly in the face of
the federal whirlwind by requiring the dispensaries to locate on
city-owned properties. That way, they can exact an actual percentage
of sales as part of the lease agreement, ensuring that the
dispensaries are run in a clean and wholesome manner.

During a recent conversation, Councilmember Das Williams rejected this
proposal as "insane." He then added, "But I mean that in the sweetest
way possible." While I appreciate the sweetness, I'd prefer a little
daring.

This Tuesday, City Hall passed another anti-war resolution, calling on
the United States to withdraw from Iraq during the next year. As much
as I like the resolution, it was totally symbolic.

Or as Councilmember Brian Barnwell described it, "a popcorn fart in a
windstorm." While we're at it, why not take a more meaningful stand
against the war on drugs, which costs the American public about $70
billion a year with nothing to show for it but about 1.5 million
people behind bars. Of those, about half were popped for violating pot
laws. If the Iraq War has cost the citizens of Santa Barbara $156
million, then the war on drugs has cost infinitely more. And that
doesn't even begin to consider the colossal waste of life and talent
these laws have inflicted.

It's easy for the council to be brave when making symbolic statements.
But our bravery would count for more if our asses were on the line.
Sure there are risks involved if City Hall rents space to
dispensaries. But without risk, there is no payoff.

And in this case, the payoffs could be huge. Think about it.