A CHILD'S DRUG PROBLEM IS BAD FOR PARENTS ALSO

Denial is a problem many people have. It is more serious than usual when it
involves your child and the possibility of an addiction to drugs.

One of the most difficult things for a parent to face is that their child
is not perfect. Perhaps the most emotional situation a parent can face is
to discover that their child has a drug problem.

It happens. You're shocked, disappointed, yet anxious to help your child
recover. You may have evidence of the problem, and what it could do to your
child's life, but are undecided about the initial confrontation.

Based on your proof, you expect an admission of the problem, and maybe a
few apologetic tears. But most of all, you hope the confrontation will help
guide your child on the right path ... eliminating the problem.

What do you do then when the person you care about looks you straight in
the eye and denies everything?

You're stunned and disappointed. Despite the conclusive proof that you
have, someone you care about lies to you. Still, you must control your anger.

It is not entirely a lie ... at least not from the child's view. To them,
they don't feel they have a problem ... they just made a "small" mistake.
In reality, it's called denial. There are several ways you can handle the
situation, when your child refuses to admit that they have a problem.

If you truly want to help them with this problem, there are things you need
to understand ... and things you can do.

One starting point is to understand that denial is not morally wicked. The
vast majority of chemically-troubled people are not bad. Thinking they are
will only make you angry. Engaging an addicted person with a hostile
attitude usually gets you the same thing in return. Think how defensive you
get when even mildly confronted with some of your past behaviors.

Secondly, and more importantly, ask yourself what might be driving the
denial. It may be a powerful emotion ... such as shame, fear or anxiety.

If they are guilty, they probably are having trouble admitting it. If they
admit they have a problem, there may be the fear of the consequences -- a
loss of favors and respect. Anxiety can be unsettling in that a person will
be unsure of the reaction of others to an admission.

Any of these emotions can be a powerful reason not to admit any wrongdoing.

Many children, when confronted with the truth, will justify their action.
They will say they don't have a problem, because they're not as bad as
others they've seen.

Such a statement is driven by a remnant of pride they have. They would
rather qualify their involvement, than to out and out admit they have a
problem.

By minimizing the seriousness of their usage, they have given you a
starting point to help. That partial acknowledgment must then be cultivated.

The key to helping someone with a chemical or alcohol abuse problem is
building trust. Think about how long it would take you to trust someone
enough to disclose some of your deepest and darkest secrets. This is
especially true when you confront your child.

To really help your child combat such a problem, it takes an enormous
amount of trust ... probably much more than either of you will have at the
start.

Building such a level of trust requires some time. It means learning to
listen deeply and withholding judgment. It means getting to the point where
you understand the dependent person's state of mind.

This can be difficult, because you feel frustrated, angry and disappointed.
You will feel that you have been betrayed by your own child.

But, you can't dwell on such thoughts. Your goal is not to harshly confront
the denial, but to understand why ... and to offer love and support. There
is no overnight solution. Answers must be reached over a period of time.

Most people, even your child who has strayed, will open their hearts if
they feel they are understood. This is the real key -- to try to understand
"why" first, and then to provide the help that is needed.