MEMO TO JURORS: ACCEPT NO GIFTS FROM DEFENDANTS

A true news item: Prosecutors in Miami say that three of the 12 jurors
in the 1996 trial of drug kingpins Willy Falcon and Sal Magluta took
bribes from the smugglers in exchange for a vote of acquittal. The
U.S. Department of Justice says that it's the first time in history
that one-fourth of a federal jury panel has been corrupted.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury:

As your presiding judge, I would normally use this opportunity to
instruct you about the points of law pertaining to your important work
during this trial.

However, in light of recent events, I feel compelled to review with
you some basic principles about our jury system in the United States.

All of you have been avidly following the news about the
Falcon-Magluta case, which has raised questions about acceptable juror
conduct. Let me try to clarify the guidelines.

As you know, the court pays each of you a modest per diem for sitting
on this panel and carrying out this solemn constitutional duty. I
realize that the fee is low, but it is meant to be the sole and entire
sum of your payment for jury service.

If anyone should approach you during the course of this trial and
offer you additional compensation, I direct you to refuse and report
it at once to the court.

In legal terminology, such propositions are known as ''bribes,''
''payoffs,'' ''juice'' or ''grease.'' And, yes, it's strictly illegal
- -- even here in Miami-Dade County.

Some of you immediately sent me notes asking whether it's all right to
accept gifts other than cash from the defendant. The answer was a big
fat No.

A few of you expressed disappointment and asked me to elaborate. In my
reply I patiently explained -- or thought I had -- that jurors aren't
permitted to receive anything of value from criminal defendants,
including money, jewelry, stocks, bonds, automobiles or real estate.

Subsequently, the bailiff passed me a note from Juror No. 4 stating
that the defendant in this case had presented her with a ''friendship
ring'' and that despite the inlaid diamonds, she didn't technically
consider it jewelry.

Well, it is.

And while we're on the subject, the new Range Rovers that were
anonymously delivered to Jurors No. 6, No. 8 and No. 11 this week must
be returned to the dealership at once. I'm sorry, gentlemen, but it
strains the court's credulity to believe that all three of you won the
same Mountain Dew Bottlecap Sweepstakes on the same day.

Recently I heard from Juror No. 9, who informed me that the defendant
had offered him 50,000 of his frequent-flyer miles, which are due to
expire because of the defendant's lengthy incarceration.

Juror No. 9 said that it would be a shame to let all those free miles
go to waste and asked whether he could use them for a trip to a
Sandals resort in Jamaica.

My answer, again, was an unequivocal No.

The following afternoon I was given a note from Juror No. 2, who said
that the defendant sent her floor-seat tickets to the Christina
Aguilera-Justin Timberlake concert. Juror No. 2 wondered whether it
was all right for her to take the defendant to dinner at China Grille
if he got out on bail, because that way she wasn't really getting the
tickets for free.

After having my law clerk research the question, I concluded that no
such social arrangement between a juror and a defendant was advisable.

Later I heard from Juror No. 7, the foreman himself, who reported that
a lovely fruit basket had been delivered to his hotel room. He noted
rather brightly that the basket didn't actually come from the
defendant but from the defendant's mother, who personally selected the
fruit, wine and cheeses and wrapped them herself.

Unfortunately, by the time U.S. marshals arrived to confiscate the
basket, several items were missing, including a wheel of Brie, two
bananas and a bottle of Australian shiraz. Juror No. 7 claimed that
his room was looted while he was in the shower, though he appeared to
have a recent wine stain on his pajamas.

Perhaps all this is my fault for not being more specific, but I will
be now:

It is absolutely against the law for jurors to take any goodies not
only from the defendant but also from his family, his lawyer, his
bondsman, his chauffeur, his bodyguard, his proctologist, his Pilates
instructor -- from anybody who has any connection to this man.

Are we clear on this, people?

As for the Swedish masseuse so generously provided by the defendant to
administer neck rubs to the members of the jury during sidebars, the
court would like to thank you for your unique contribution to the
justice system,

But sorry, Inga. You're dismissed.