SELL A BONG, GO TO JAIL

Like most aging potheads, I adored "Cheech and Chong" movies when all we had
was Mexican dirt weed to maintain a mellow.

The original poster boys for NORMAL cracked me up with their dopey antics in
East L.A. Who could resist a brand of humor that came with a cloud of cannabis
smoke?

The pair rocked for a decade and banked major bucks before federal thugs put
the screws to Mary Jane and told a generation to "Just Say No."

By the mid-'80s, Cheech and Chong had gone the way of Hope and Crosby. Today,
however, the two are on very different paths. Tommy Chong raised a hot-looking
daughter, whose claim to fame involved appearing nearly naked in a caveman
film. Cheech Martin, meanwhile, proved savvy and now enjoyed the spoils of the
entertainment industry.

Cheech has become a TV mainstay. He's the ideal sidekick against the aging, but
still dashing, Don Johnson in "Nash Bridges." Cheech has also parlayed his
character into several decent flicks, including "Tin Cup," and "Dead by Dawn."

In short, Cheech has gone far considering half his brain got fried in the '
70s.

Life has been a bit hazier for Chong, who now faces a nine-month stint in
federal prison for peddling pot pipes over the Internet.

You heard right. The federal boys charged with keeping watch over terrorism
took time out from the search for Bin Laden and went after a hippie icon. I
wonder if John Ashcroft sleeps well knowing he has caged a 64-year-old for
selling bongs?

If you don't see something wrong with that picture, you're higher than Jimmy
Hendrix my friend.

Then again, maybe we should praise the ever-vigilant watchdogs at Patriot Act
Central for capturing another dangerous criminal and saving the nation from an
imminent threat.

All I'm saying is karma has done a number on the pair. One of them will cower
in fear during "shower time" at Lompoc, while the other gets steady work in
Hollywood.

All the same, Cheech's latest flick "Once Upon a Time in Mexico," is a federal
offense. The film should simply go up in smoke.

"Once Upon A Time In Mexico" is a horrible movie that wastes the combined
talents of the always sexy Salma Hayek, the normally rock solid Willem Dafoe,
and the extremely watchable Johnny Depp.

Nothing works in a story that involves a Mexican coupe thwarted by a Mariachi
player. The flick has no plot beyond a liberal use of bullets, blood and
complete senselessness.

Depp plays a somewhat unstable CIA operative, who plots and kills and plots and
kills and eventually hires El Mariachi (Antonio Bandaras) to assassinate a
renegade general bent on seizing control of the government.

Mass killings, silly shootings and stunts beyond the level of Neo from "The
Matrix" follow in absurd portions.

In short this film sucks worse than Ashcroft's piano playing. Nothing to see
here folks.

Until next time, Mr. Hernandez has left the theater to troll the Internet for
something useful like pictures of Asian babes "loving long time."

Nickey Hernandez is a former private investigator who hopes the War on Terror
makes more sense than the War on Drugs.