GETTING HIGH

The Inside Dope on Dope, from a Former Dope Dealer

God clearly wants you to fritter away the next four (or five) years in
a pathetic drug-induced stupor. Otherwise, why would He have provided
such a bewildering cornucopia of excellent head-twisting substances
for your enjoyment? And a strong, resilient body clearly designed to
absorb copious amounts of self-abuse? And all those extra brain cells?

So, in a paroxysm of pious religiosity, The Stranger has asked me,
former college drug dealer extraordinaire, to provide some basic
information regarding some of the more popular manifestations of God's
mind-altering bounty, based on what I've seen. I'm always glad to help
out.

Marijuana ("pot," "weed," "reefer," "grass"):

Only losers don't try weed in high school. But in case you didn't, you
can still join the winning team if you hurry up and smoke some now.
Smoking pot leads to complicated elliptical thoughts and fries your
short-term memory--to the point that you can't remember why you're
thinking the bizarre, convoluted shit you're thinking. It's a rarefied
form of stupidity, one that many people consider entertaining. But
being stupid gets old after a while, and as a general rule of thumb,
only degenerates, hippies, and Stranger editors smoke grass after age
25. It also makes you paranoid and hungry.

Ecstasy ("MDMA," "X," "E"):

On Ecstasy, you and your friends will look hideous to everyone
else--pasty, clench-jawed, wraithlike--but you'll be too in love with
each other to notice. Don't forget to drink lots of water, and don't
take this drug with your enemies or you'll regret it. Even if you take
X with friends, expect regrets the next day. This is because you will
be overcome by a desire to bathe with your friends, and they with you.
Depending on how attractive your friends are, this can be very fun,
though you'll still be embarrassed later. Most men cannot achieve an
erection on Ecstasy, or if they can, they can't attain orgasm, which
is frustrating in the short term but a very good thing in the long
run, for obvious reasons.

LSD ("acid") and Mushrooms ("shrooms"):

These are hallucinogens, which is a fancy way of saying that they
cause you to see shit that isn't there. Examples of shit you will see:
Walls will appear to breathe (which is cool), your jeans will appear
to be covered with words you can't quite read (which is frustrating),
moving objects will leave colorful trails (which is okay, except when
friends wave stuff in front of your face), and oncoming headlights
will fracture into blinding kaleidoscopic rainbows (which means you
shouldn't drive). An acid trip lasts 12 to 14 hours, and only the
first four are actually fun; mushrooms are better because they last
only half as long. Also, your mouth will taste like someone is rubbing
a stainless steel spoon against your tongue. Eat lots of candy if that
bugs you.

Cocaine ("blow," "snow") and Crack ("rock"):

The primary effect of cocaine is an overpowering sensation that if you
snort one more line, then you'll feel good. It's a nightmarish state
of endless dissatisfaction. Everyone who regularly uses this drug--and
it's pretty addictive stuff--inevitably becomes a crabby,
self-absorbed asshole. When you were in elementary school (i.e., the
'80s), coke was tantamount to being artsy, sophisticated, and rich.
Then crack--a smokable form of the drug--came along. Crack is nasty
and evil. If you smoke it, you will ruin the rest of your (short)
life. You will age 25 years by the time you flunk out and find
yourself toothless, covered with open sores, and peddling your ass on
the street for change. Contrary to popular belief, there is nothing
romantic about such a life. (The same fate awaits you if you try
heroin, though it will take slightly longer for your teeth to fall
out.)

Speed ("meth," "crystal," "tina"):

Speed is basically cut-rate coke for rednecks, the uneducated, and the
doomed. For every ounce of fun it provides, it will extract a pound of
your humanity. Don't do it.

The Stranger understands that, unless you're a Republican, it's
inevitable that you will experiment with drugs. The key is to never do
a drug that requires shoving a needle into your arm, and to show a
little moderation. Aristotle, a smart gay guy in Greece, argued that
moderation and self-control are the keys to a good life. Take his
sound advice. Drug addicts have no friends, have no lives, and never
get laid. The Stranger expects you to do better than that. And so does
God.

Austrian philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein did not actually write this
piece. But since drug use and drug dealing are illegal, we can't tell
you who did.