I HAVE SEEN THE FUTURE, AND IT IS SMOKY

Student Asks, What Would The Country Be Like If Marijuana Were Legal?

First of all, let me start this column by urging readers that if they have
any marijuana in their possession, THIS IS AN ILLEGAL SUBSTANCE! Please
bring all of the substance to the offices of The Vanguard immediately. We
will handle it from there.

As the debate for the legalization of marijuana continues, we here at The
Vanguard have been studying the topic quite intensely in recent weeks to
keep you, the reader, informed. Here are some interesting facts regarding
the legalization of the substance (which you better hurry up and bring in,
because they're watching you!).

If marijuana were legalized, the headlines the following morning would read:

"Interstate speeds reduced to 15 mph."

"'Fridays deemed National Wake and Bake day!' announces an ecstatic
President Chong."

"Cypress Hill no longer regarded as cool, edgy."

What a world that would be.

There are some other advantages. Consider:

If marijuana were legal, you wouldn't have to get high with the guy you
bought your bag from anymore! If marijuana were legal, the word Bogart
would go back to having only one meaning. At long last, oregano reserves
would be at full strength. No more unexpected visits from Stacy Keach.
Imagine a world where the head shop is the center of town instead of the
strip joint. That's a better America!

If marijuana were legal, we'd be that much closer to finally legalizing
cocaine and heroin. If marijuana were legal, hemp would replace the
material that rope is made out of. I knew what rope was made out of, like,
five minutes ago, but I forgot. Nevertheless, our country would actually be
stronger due to these "dope ropes." Ah, the Thai sticks that bind.

If marijuana were legal, that would be soooo cooool. If marijuana were
legal, this column would be entertaining! We could build stuff out of it.
Could you imagine a house made out of pot? WHOOOOOAAAA.

Speaking of whoa, Keanu Reeves would suddenly have all the answers (except
for that bus movie. All the dope in the world ain't' gonna help you with
that one). But sadly, dudes, it ain't happenin'. Why? Well, I hate to bring
you down, but --

Your government will never let it happen. Not now, not in a thousand years,
not ever. Why not, you ask? Well, puff, puff, pass and I'll tell you.
There's too much money at stake for them to just legalize the stuff and tax
it. The debate about whether the substance is bad for you, worse for you
than tobacco, addictive, whatever-those make for great headlines. But I can
assure you, the reason marijuana isn't legal is not because it's bad for
you. This is the same government that allows fast food restaurants to put
known addictive chemicals in their food, making us an obese, dependent
nation. Why? There's money in it for them. This is the same nation that
allows tobacco and alcohol to be legal, only to tax the #$@* out of them,
even though they're bad for you. Why? Check your pockets again for that
answer, Ahab.

"Dude, so you're telling me my government doesn't have my best interest at
heart? They aren't concerned about my well-being, just the bottom line?" I
know anti-government railings in a student newspaper will come as a shock
to you, but put down the hookah, and smell the coffee (also addictive, also
legal, also taxed). Your government is a business, just like anything else.
You are their commodity. You don't actually think you have a say in
anything, do you? Do you own an oil company? Do you pump billions into
politicians' pockets so the politicians will make it legal for others to
pump billions into your own pockets? Well, if you do, smoke up Johnny,
because the Feds aren't going to do anything to you. But if you are some
college schmo with a bag of weed on a Friday night, there's a lot of money
to be made from you. Why? There are thousands like you across the country.
Millions of prisoners in the United States are behind bars for marijuana
offenses. That keeps a lot of jokers employed, from Joe Cop to Joe Guard,
to Joe Parole Officer, to Joe Counselor, to Joe Judge, to Joe Lawyer, Joe
Lawyer's secretary, Joe Lawyer's dealer, etc. There is too much at risk for
too many people to make marijuana legal.

Plus, your government is not in the habit of admitting they are wrong,
especially not in a day and age where the media floods the airwaves with
the minutest offense. The current policies will remain because nobody wants
to be "that guy." "That guy" who allowed this horrible monster drug that is
corrupting our children and destroying our communities to infiltrate every
single household in America. This is a strong nation, where everyone has a
say because everyone, no matter how small the voice, is a part of this
great nation that is united to justice, peace, prosperity, and making our
world the best it can be, for every American, for every Mom and Dad, and
for every girl and boy.

With all that is legal, it's crazy that marijuana isn't. But just
remember-your government knows what's best for you, and it will continue to
make your life as safe as it can possibly be, now and forever. No wonder
folks get high.

Gotta go, another freshmen just came in to turn over his stash!