PM GOES TO POT

Imagine the sheer honour of being official supplier of Chretien's stash

ROPE-A-DOPE: Any pot peddler worth his salt must have called the prime
minister's office by now. Aside from the sheer honour of being Official
Supplier of the PM's Stash, might not there be other Valuable
Considerations?

"Hello, PMO? I see Jean Chretien says he might be interested in smoking
marijuana soon. Just happens I have some. In fact, I've got a lot. Fresh
Ontario Liberal Gold. Primo stuff. Can I talk to him?"

"I'm sorry. The Prime Minister is in a meeting."

"He's not really in a meeting, is he?"

"No."

"Was Chretien serious when he told reporters he might try pot after he
decriminalizes it and retires? Smoke a joint with one hand and carry his
fine for smoking it in the other? That's what he said."

"The prime minister says many weird things, sir. Weirder by the week.
Positively loopy. Some of them are jokes. He's retiring, you know. There's
another man pretending to be prime minister. The PM's distracted."

"So saying he wants to try pot was a joke? But why is he trying to ram thru
marijuana reforms unless he's serious? That's no joke. It's his precious
Legacy. If smoking pot is no longer a big deal and he's truly interested .."

"You'd have to ask the PM, sir. But he's in a meeting. Unavailable."

"'Cause you know if the dude is serious about trying marijuana, I sure hope
it's not that government-issue crap they're trying to grow in the cave.
Trust Ottawa to screw up growing a weed that comes on like gangbusters in
any field or backyard. Doesn't our PM deserve the good stuff?"

"I believe government-issue marijuana is only for medicinal use, sir."

"Exactly! The PM would never fill out forms to score his own private supply
of crappy, pot-scented wood chips. Get a doctor's letter, send in his
application to Health Canada, wait for the Mounties to sign off on his
papers, all the while praying there's no Freedom of Information request from
the media ... Besides, he just wants a taste, right? I got samples."

"So you're offering to sell the prime minister some weed?"

"Not sell it, supply it! Gratis! It's my public duty as a citizen. The poor
guy can't just go down to the nearest schoolyard and score. You don't want a
lot of shabby characters hanging around 24 Sussex or sitting in the PM's
office, trading lumpy envelopes for fresh $20s. I'm very discrete."

"How discrete?"

"Well, I could meet the PM at that park bench he talks about--the spot where
he sometimes consoles the homeless, late at night. You remember his famous
friend, the bum? Hell, I'll supply his homeless buddy, too. And Aline if she
wants. I ain't selfish. He could host one of my home Bong Parties. You know,
like Tupperware ..."

"You are a drug dealer?"

"That's a harsh phrase, ma'am. Call me ... concerned citizen. I deal in
botanicals, pharmaceuticals, every hip artifact of club, leisure and
recreational life. Plus concert tickets and big-screen TVs that fall off the
truck. I'm a multi-tasker. I get people what they think they need."

"If you'll give me your number, I'll put you on the PM's callback list."

"Nice try. No RCMP callback, thanks. Hey, that photo I saw of the PM holding
the garden shears around his neck. Is he already on something?"

"Sheer speculation, sir."

"I'm a giver, not a taker. I'm the meaning of the word ... liberal. I
appreciate The Legacy the PM's trying to leave us little guys. Plus, I think
anybody who supplies the prime minister with pot gets a little less
attention from the Mounties than your average bear."

"Meaning?"

"If the PM's smoking pot, might the gaze of lawmen drift the other way?"

"I see your point."

"You show me the law enforcement idiot who's gonna collect the prime
minister's cash fine from his left hand if there's a doobie goin' in his
right. I bet the PM could smoke with both hands. And whoever supplied him
with the stash could do that too. Count me in. Ally ally in free."

"So how shall I put this? You are interested in ... The Sweet Kiss of
Shawinigan? Might you consider relocating your headquarters there? Do you
play golf? Are you interested in special rates for club membership?"

"Very."

"Might you buy some Confederation Dinner Tickets? Organize several tables
for Da Gala Goodbye Tour? Support a fund for a really nice departure present
for One Swell Guy?"

"Absolutely. How 'bout the first 10 rows at Simon & Barfuddle for a start?
Two hundred seats. Comps."

"Hold please."

Hey, no problemo. Holding is an independent businessman's middle name.