THREE-CARD MONTE

In the race to be Kentucky's next Attorney General, there's a broker, a
toker and a joke(r). Generally speaking, it's a race we'd rather cancel. c
d kaplan brings you the sad but true tale.

Take a look at the trio vying to be Kentucky's next attorney general and
you've got to wonder: Is this the best Kentucky's legal community has to
offer? One can't be blamed if they are reminded of Chester A. Riley in the
old '50s sitcom, "The Life of Riley." When he and pal, Gillis, found
themselves in yet another mess with their wives, Peg and Honeybee, Riley
would rasp, "What a revoltin' development this is!"

The motley crew aiming to be the state's next chief prosecutor is like
three blind mice. See how they run. Did you ever see such a thing in your
life? But there's no farmer's wife with a carving knife to save the day.

There is Jack Wood, the elephant. His credentials feature a recent stint
selling carpet at his family's business on Dixie Highway. There's Greg
Stumbo, the donkey. He's the entrenched master of sound bites who has been
in Frankfort since it was Virginia Territory. There's Gatewood Galbraith,
an independent (his donkey's in the closet), the self-styled "Last Free Man
In America," who thinks touring Rubbertown with Louis Coleman will get him
elected. Held up as a breath of fresh air in the stale standoff between the
other two, the pot-smoking Galbraith arrived on the scene in a cloud of
reefer madness.

Some call it a political race. Others think they've tuned to an episode of
"Carnivale," HBO's latest freak show.

Jack Wood talks out the side of his mouth - literally. There's a Yiddish
word that comes to mind. Nebbish. In his book "The Joys of Yiddish," Leo
Rosten defines the term as "an innocuous, ineffectual, weak, helpless or
hapless unfortunate, a sad sack; a nonentity."

Bullseye. Jack Wood is a nebbish.

Unfortunately for Kentuckians, he's also the Republican candidate for the
third most prominent statewide office. Backbench politicos are still
scratching their heads, trying to figure out how this guy won the primary.
He spent $1,700. Still, he upset the favorite, Tom Feeley, and Philip
Kimball, nabbing 10,000 more votes than either. Go figure.

The prevailing theory is that Wood won thanks to Dr. Frank Simon and the
Right To Lifers. But loser Kimball says that conjecture is "demonstrably
untrue."

"I got the endorsement of Kentucky Right To Life Association. It's
statewide. Fifty thousand on their mailing list. Wood got Frank Simon's
endorsement. But neither of us won Northern Kentucky. Feeley did. That's
the Right To Life stronghold."

OK, then, how did Wood prevail?

"It could have been his monosyllabic name. But that's too simple. It
certainly wasn't ballot placement.

"Wood won because he got little media attention. There was a non-partisan
questionnaire. Weeklies around the state ran the results before the
election. Wood was the only candidate who was both a judge and a
prosecutor. That looks good on paper. Republicans didn't know anything
about any of the candidates. If you know nothing, you'll vote for the guy
with the most credentials on paper."

One problem with Wood - and there are plenty - is that those credentials
are sketchy. He was a District Court judge from 1982-86 in Monroe, Adair,
Casey and Cumberland counties. His one-and-done term was distinguished by
two suspensions - one for unethical campaign conduct and the other for
abuse of power from the bench. The asterisk to that episode of Wood's
career is the criminal accusation that he burned down his own house while
it was under construction. The year after he left the bench, he was
acquitted at trial of the arson charge.

By the by, Wood was a Democrat then. As he was during his tenure as an
appointed child support prosecutor in the Jefferson County Attorney's
Office. True to form, he was also suspended there, for "ignoring job
responsibilities." But, hey, it was just once. And all he did was
repeatedly fail to show up at his desk to perform daily duties.

(Bill Patteson, the chief of that child support division, advises that Wood
himself called recently to confirm that he'd been suspended. Guess when the
candidate surgically became an elephant, the docs forgot to implant a
pachyderm's memory.)

OK, there's another Yiddish descriptor that comes to mind - schlimazel.
That's "someone for whom nothing goes right or turns out well; a 'born loser.'"

Jack Wood is a schlimazel. It's easy to picture him sitting on the stoop of
the Hall of Justice, six-string in hand, guitar case open for spare change,
doing his best Albert King imitation. "If it wasn't for bad luck/You know I
wouldn't have no luck at all."

Until last spring's primary. That's when Wood - by then he'd morphed into a
Republican, tried and true - upset the apple cart and grabbed the AG
nomination of his new party. Much to the dismay of the state GOP hierarchy,
which is avoiding the pariah like he's infected with SARS.

During a recent KET-TV debate with his two opponents, Wood denied that he
was ever suspended while an assistant county attorney, then asserted he has
the full support of the party. "Ernie Fletcher said on the Ziegler show
that he is supporting me."

Liar, liar, pants on fire. Watch Jack Wood's nose grow.

Truth be told, GOP gubernatorial candidate Fletcher, during his televised
appearance with the Johns - "Yarmuth & Ziegler" on WAVE-TV - avoided any
indication of support for Wood. Even when asked point blank about the down
ballot candidate. "Let the people of Kentucky decide the next attorney
general," Fletcher said.

I questioned Fletcher's running mate, Steve Pence, in his office about the
matter. He performed his rendition of Muhammad Ali's rope-a-dope. "That's
not my race. That's what I'll tell you right now. I'm the No. 2 guy on the
ticket with Ernie Fletcher. And I intend to get Ernie Fletcher elected. I'm
going to give you the same answer he (Fletcher) gave."

Oh, yes, during the same KET debate when Wood lied about his suspension and
support from the top of the ticket, he admitted, "I'm funding my campaign
by myself."

I had hoped to question Jack Wood about all of this in an interview. He
initially agreed to do so, then wouldn't talk to me. I had tracked him down
on his cell phone on Sept. 3 while he was barnstorming the state. "I'm in
Whitley County, the 114th county I've visited since June. I only have six
to go. Then I'll start over."

We agreed to a phone interview, free of conditions, the following week, on
Sept. 9. On that day, though, Wood demanded, for the first time, that my
questions be faxed to him before he would answer. I initially refused. "In
that case," said the candidate, "I'll have to decline the interview."
Later, after discussing the matter with my editor, I agreed to fax Wood
questions in advance of an interview. I left several phone messages to Wood
confirming that and asking where I should send the fax. Wood never returned
those calls.

Does Wood have a platform worthy of the office he seeks? You decide. Here's
how he stated it during the KET debate: "I support the Ten Commandments.
Put them on the wall. I'm pro-life. I'm endorsed by the pro-life people.
I'm for the death penalty."

Then he attacked Greg Stumbo like a fighting cock. "Gov. Patton pardoned
Kevin Stanford because of a letter from Greg Stumbo." (Actually the
governor commuted the death sentence of the convicted rapist/murderer.)

Wood was actually less rabid on TV than during his earlier fusillade at
Fancy Farm. There, he gave a partisan history of Stumbo's public paternity
case, extolled his own experience as a child support prosecutor, and then
asked his opponent: "Does that give you nightmares at night, Greg?"

Also at Fancy Farm, Wood eloquently orated about his past and that of his
opponent, Stumbo: "If you take his dirt and throw it on the wall, and you
throw mine, and you take a pressure washer, his stays up there and mine
goes to the floor."

Kind of reminds you of Henry Clay, doesn't he? And Wood's the guy who said
"Kentucky government suffers from moral decrepitude."

Next candidate, please.

Ah, yes, Gatewood Galbraith. What in the name of Panama Red is he, a
defiant pot smoker, several-time loser in races for governor and U.S.
Congress, doing as a viable candidate for AG?

Galbraith explained this implausibility during a late August phone
conversation: "I was drafted to run by officials of both parties. Two of
the top seven Republican officials and two of the top seven Democratic
officials called and asked me to enter the race. I was also asked to run by
elected office-holders from each party."

Mum was the word for the normally talkative candidate when asked to name
names of those he claims implored him to enter the fray.

In the smoke rings of his mind, Galbraith believes he can prevail. "My
chances are excellent. My foes each got less than 38 percent of their
party's vote in the primary. The other 62 percent wants nothing to do with
them. Five people were able to gather 7,400 signatures in just 36 days to
get me on the ballot."

Gatewood, I had to ask, don't you think your pot smoking will affect your
candidacy?

"The issue is a dead horse."

Your use is "medicinal," right?

"Yes. I started smoking marijuana in 1968 at the suggestion of a doctor who
said it would help my asthma. It helped within 30 seconds."

How do you determine your daily dosage? I inquired. Do you roll a joint
every six hours or what?

"Let's say I partake when it is physically appropriate. Never during work."

Which is a clever response. And a good thing, given that Galbraith has a
private legal practice in Lexington that includes significant criminal
defense work. Galbraith claims to have a prescription for his dosage of
cannabis sativa, though he doesn't reveal the physician's name.

(Democratic opponent Stumbo is skeptical. "I know Mr. Galbraith says he has
a prescription. That's not a legal defense in the state of Kentucky.")

One more query about the candidate's homeopathy. Gatewood, when did your
pot smoking switch from "recreational" to "medicinal"?

I could envision his sly smile over the phone.

"Let's simply say I had an 'insight.'"

Galbraith is the most fun of the candidates. His is a feisty wit.

Unfortunately, the guy isn't quite the rebellious outsider he would have
his constituents think. During the televised debate, he came off as just
another hack pol. He could have stayed above the fray. He could have donned
his trademark fedora, the one that replaced the hat given him by Willie
Nelson, which was stolen. He could have been an irreverent Greek chorus.
But the bottom line is that Galbraith is no different than the others. He's
in it for the power. He is as much a pandering fool as his opponents.

Gatewood Galbraith is a political lifer.

He declared himself all for the Ten Commandments "as part of a display of
religious artifacts." Pro-life or pro-choice? His response was oblique -
"Nobody is for abortion." In lockstep with his rivals, he declared himself
a death penalty advocate. He pronounced, "I am a conservative. I'm
supported by the gun lobby."

I asked him about a statement I recall him making on Carl Brown's local
access cable TV show several years back. It was post-Oklahoma City. There
was considerable buzz at the time about right wing state "militias." My
memory is that he told Brown he "would be proud to have the Michigan
Militia guard his marijuana fields."

Galbraith denies uttering the statement. "I don't remember saying that. I
take militias very seriously."

Unlike Jack Wood, whose substance-free candidacy is all bile all the time,
Galbraith has a theme. It boils down to this: Throw the scalawags out.

"We need to address the issue of corruption," he said. "It is
institutional. I would have entered the race for governor, but Ben Chandler
is running and he addressed the corruption problems as attorney general.
The office of attorney general is the most appropriate to confront that
issue. As an independent I'll be best able to do it.

"We need to ferret out fraud, starting with election fraud. The whole
personal service contract issue needs to be addressed. There has to be
legislative oversight. I will look for corruption."

Galbraith's other point of emphasis is attacking street drugs such as
methamphetamine and prescription drug abuse. He says the drug companies
must be sued for damages, as the tobacco companies were, to pay for the
programs.

It is on this issue that the independent is simpatico with front-runner
Greg Stumbo, who must be mentioned because, well, because it looks like
he's going to win. He deserves some props because he was confident enough
to journey into the belly of the beast. That is, he agreed to an interview
in the LEO office. He arrived, gold watch chain on his hip, as
sharp-dressed as a guy who wins a car dealership's best salesman award
every year for two decades.

Which is how long Democrat Stumbo has been in the state legislature.

At the interview, Stumbo was accompanied by Dennis Fleming, who works in
the governor's office. ("He's just riding along. He'll probably be part of
our office when we're elected.")

So, Greg, how do you respond to the Republicans' charge that you're part of
Frankfort's good ol' boy network?

"Satchel Paige said one time you can't know where you're going until you
know where you've been," Stumbo said. "You can't tell what somebody's going
to do in the future unless you look at what they've done in the past. And I
see nothing that the Republicans, other than just rhetoric, and cheap
political talk, that voters should believe they can do anything, other than
make things a whole lot worse. I don't see Kentucky on the wrong track. I
don't see that things are all that bad in Kentucky. If I were going to
clean up a mess, I wouldn't go get the dirtiest kid in town."

Whatever that means.

Anyway, back to drugs. There are differences between Stumbo's approach to
the issue and Galbraith's. Stumbo's plan has a catchy name: "Make Pushers Pay."

Clever.

"The people I want to go after are at the top, the people that are making
the money, the pushers. How are we going to do that? We're going to do it
the same way Eliot Ness did it when he went to Chicago.

"My plan calls for, number one, the establishment of the Kentucky Bureau of
Investigation, an undercover agency under the auspices of the State Police,
with general crime-fighting authority, focusing on the drug problem."

Right on, Greg, but how can Kentucky afford more bureaucracy when the state
has a severe money crunch already?

"In the bill I filed to create KBI in the last session (of the
legislature), we proposed adding 13 cents to the cigarette tax. But there
are a number of ways to fund it. I don't know if the legislature will pass
any new taxes.

"There's a world of civil opportunities in the attorney general's office.
Much like the tobacco settlement. That opened up a world of potential for
consumer protection litigation."

I get it. Make Pushers Pay.

Finally, I asked the front-runner his position on the medical use of marijuana.

"I think from what I know of it, in certain instances, if the medical
evidence is such that it will relieve pain and suffering, and it were
regulated, and it were properly prescribed, I think the legislature might
be inclined at some point to allow that."

Somewhere, Gatewood Galbraith is stoned and smiling.

After everything is all said and done, the sad reality is this: The
attorney general race is nothing more than a game of three-card monte.
Except there's no red ace. One of these tres desperados - Jack Wood,
Gatewood Galbraith or Greg Stumbo - is going to be Kentucky's next chief
prosecutor. With those hombres as choices a), b) and c), one can hardly be
blamed for scanning the ballot in search of a box that reads:

d) None of the above.