'MOM, ALMOST EVERY KID DOES DRUGS'

Concerned Mother, Tired Of Seeing Children Die, Warns All Parents

Adam Shaw, tragically killed recently in an automobile accident, brings to
11 the number of friends my daughter has lost in the past two years. Among
them, she knew the little girl who was murdered and the boy who was charged
in her death. She knew the boy hit by a train a few months back. These
kids, and others, came to our home... some of them practically lived here.
And I loved them, too.

I am an almost stay-at-home mom, teaching voice and piano three hours a
day, four days a week... so I'm basically home all of the time. I have been
an accessible parent and the kids always knew that I would fuss at them, I
would lecture them, and I would hug them, like it or not, when they needed it.

For years, I have observed, helplessly, the self-destructive patterns of my
daughter's many circles of friends. And I have my theories as to why this
is happening in Long Beach. My own daughter, despite my hyper-vigilance,
became involved (in self-destructive behavior) and spent two stints in
rehab and had to undergo detox, at one point.

Even though I was desperately "latched on," she would sometimes slip right
through my fingers and I would have to reach out and grab onto her again,
just before she slipped away completely. Knowing that it could happen any
moment of any day kept me perpetually on guard. I literally did not sleep a
night through, for years!

The deaths and near-deaths of her friends have broken my heart. On the
Sunday morning when I found out we had lost Adam in an accident, I broke
down and cried until I thought I couldn't anymore. And then I found out
about the overdoses and found myself praying and crying at the kitchen
table, sobbing over the laundry for these lovable, wonderful kids...

I'm not afraid to say it. The machine is broken in Long Beach. We are an
affluent, suburban, bedroom community, where two working parents are the
norm, (have a) a "clique-ish" school system and parents who foolishly
assume that their children are absorbing good behavior by osmosis. It is a
societal problem, as well as a personal one, and once a child steps into
it, there is no stepping out. The peer system among our kids is not like
that of our day.

On that Sunday, when my daughter and I talked about "Shawboy," we branched
off into why kids are doing the things they do. She told me, "Mom, almost
every kid in Long Beach does drugs." She went on to say, "They might not do
them daily... some do," she sighed, "but they do them."

It isn't the fault of the police. It's a community cop-out to blame the
police department. They do their best.

I once called LBPD and officer Kevin Brazil came to my house and counseled
a young man who'd threatened to commit suicide. The boy threatened this to
his friends and they came immediately to get me. I called, and officer
Brazil was at my home within minutes. After the three of us talked for a
while, officer Brazil presented workable solutions to the boy's
"end-of-the-world" problems and the kid got back on track, none the worse
for wear, although I was a wreck for a few days after.

The police are there for us, but you cannot expect them, in 15 minutes, to
magically correct problems that took 15 years to create. I firmly believe
that the police in Long Beach do an outstanding job.

Beware that zero tolerance, like Marxism, looks pretty good on paper but,
by its very nature, it may sometimes be selective and its "practical
application" translates into "guilty no matter what." That is a dangerous
concept.

Basically, some good kids have fallen through the cracks, defying any
rationale. In one case, the substance that was found in a child's
belongings was never proven to be drugs. And when the parent wanted it
tested, the evidence was missing. Right or wrong, the child was expelled
from school. I've seen casual users turn into serious users with nothing
but time on their hands. If a child is expelled, he or she can't get into
school anywhere. Some correction needs to be made in this obviously flawed
process.

Situations need to be dealt with individually and in a common sense fashion
and, if there is something salvageable in a kid, save him or her, for
goodness sakes!

On the homefront, and with well-founded suspicions, I have ejected many
kids from my home. Many kids from the most prominent families have, at one
time or another, been given the "boot" or the "near-boot" from our house.
Some came back. They apologized, begged forgiveness, promised that they'd
mended their ways and some actually got that second chance. But none got a
third.

I once stepped out on the porch and encountered a kid on my cordless phone,
along with another child - both sons of prominent people - and he was
talking about "getting the green" (an apparent reference to marijuana.)

Well, that was my cue to do my very best tough-guy routine and both of them
had to hit the road. Oh, the other kids assured me that I was being
unreasonable, that I had taken something out of context, that I
"misunderstood." Although there was not enough proof to blow the whistle on
the kids, I wanted those kids away from me, my home and my family.

Why didn't I call the parents? Oh, I did... several times. Most parents
totally rejected my reports. They all but accused me of lying. It has been
my experience that parents do not want to believe their children are doing
these things. You may know your kid, but you don't know your kid on
drugs... (they are) two different things. To accept and admit that children
are taking drugs means parents have failed them in some way and they want
to see themselves as nothing less than good parents... parents who have
provided the best education, all that money can buy and "go to church as a
family on Sundays."

Well, it is my opinion that those who do not heed my calls, or the calls of
any other parent who might make them, or who turn a blind eye to the
warning signs, are the ones who have failed their children. Just think of
the courage a parent must muster to make a call to another parent. We all
have our own problems.

Why would we want to get involved in other people's business? Drugs kill,
that's why! And parents who suspect or know about other kids should not
assume that the other parents know. If they do suspect, but have done
nothing, knowing that it isn't a secret might be the much-needed wake-up
call, and if they don't know, you may be saving a child's life. Don't be
afraid to be wrong. Tell the parent what you know, what you suspect, what
you have seen or heard and let them draw their own conclusions. At that
point, you will have done all you can do.

My daughter is 19 now and has moved from Long Beach. She has a job and is
preparing to go to college. Although I would like to think we are "over the
hump," I still keep a watchful eye on her. I ask direct questions. I listen
to the answers, attentive to the responses in her demeanor and body
language. A parent should be able to see even the most convincing
deceptions in their children. And teens are masters of deception... even if
you raised them not to lie. "My child doesn't lie to me." Translation, "I
can't (or don't want to) deal with the truth."

It's not about you. It's about them... kids will "lie 'til they throw the
switch." And if you catch them red-handed, be aware, they are not "holding
it for someone else," they do "know how it got there" and you and your kid
have a problem... and it needs to be dealt with swiftly. It's so easy for a
parent to ask, so easy for the kid to deny it and so easy for life to go
on, with the kid thinking the joke's on you. It will be no joke if he or
she overdoses. And nothing will ever, ever be easy again.

Parents should know and act. Suspicion is enough. Families are not a court
of law, and no family should be a democracy. Polls don't count... and the
kids' network in Long Beach is not on Channel 45. They protect each other,
they look after their own. Parents have to be ready for the difficult times
of admitting the truth, confronting the problem, of rehabilitation and
relapses and being the bad guy. But, in the long run, they will be around
in a few years to thank you for it.

These kids, whom we have lost, died in a variety of ways but drugs or
alcohol were a secret part of their lives, directly or indirectly. And so,
11 of them are gone now.

As parents, and together as a community, we must be vigilant every day to
protect all of the others who continue to be at risk.