TO SNOOP, OR NOT? ADVICE FOR PARENTS

Psychologists, counselors, even judges all have opinions about what parents
should and shouldn't do, how far they should or shouldn't go to keep their
children safe from drugs and alcohol.

In the end, though, it's each parent's choice, and according to Dr. William
Gasparrini, a clinical psychologist in practice in Biloxi, "They know how
to deal with their own child. If whatever they're doing is working, I'm not
going to tell them not to do it."

But the doctor asks the following questions by way of answering, should
parents snoop?:

Do you trust your children? Can you ask them about drugs and alcohol?

Will they tell you the truth?

It's all a matter of trust, says Gasparrini, and the time to build trust is
from the start, not when your child's age reaches double-digits.

Sharon Sigalas, Jackson County Youth Court judge, comes at it from a
different perspective but agrees that parents are the best anti-drug.

"I am of the opinion that if parents would snoop... Youth Court would have
fewer problems. Meaning, that if parents catch the problems and the
experimentation early, they usually can solve the problem.

"If the parents are not aware,... by the time I see their children, (they)
are committing crimes against other people or property. It is never too
late to help a child, but snooping is a way to have early intervention."

Gasparrini says he believes the best intervention is not necessarily to
"read their mail or their private diaries or listen in on their
conversations," particularly if your children have given you no reason to
suspect transgressions.

"It's better," he says, "if parents can have an open relationship with
children, if they talk every day, know their children's friends, create an
environment earlier than teen years of getting to know their children."

One 30-something mother of a 13-year-old we spoke with falls somewhere
along the same plane. She's fairly confident in her relationship with her
son, an only child, and she says, "I currently do not search his room;
however, I do go into his room during the day because I can't stand to
leave out all the things all over the floor, the bed, everywhere. So I go
in to put them away," and in doing so, she opens drawers, cupboards, closets.

"We don't have privacy issues," she says, "but if his behavior changed
dramatically, yes, I would search his room. He is my son and my
responsibility, and it is my job to keep him safe."

Locked doors and drawers are not allowed in this house. They mean "there is
something in there he doesn't want me to see,... but my relationship with
(him) is such that he could ask me not to bother something and I wouldn't.

"We first brought up drugs to him in third grade. I thought it might be too
early," she says five years later, "but now I'm glad we did. Younger kids
think everything their parents say is true, so start informing them early.
(My son) and I have a great, open relationship. Your kid should feel like
he can talk to you about everything - 'my hair looks bad,' 'do I stink,' 'I
have a girlfriend, she dumped me,' 'Bob offered me a joint today,' anything
at all."

She cautions parents who hear such things "not to freak. If you hear 'Bob
offered me a joint today,' try to stay calm and say something like, 'Well,
Bob's a loser, right?' Hear a response, then dig a little deeper.

"Parents have to listen to everything their kids say, even if you really
don't care that Joe blew milk out of his nose at lunch. If you show
interest in everything, they'll be more likely to share their life with you."

Gasparrini concurs in capital letters: "Talk to your children, and remember
that the most important part of those conversations is to listen. Pay
attention," he says.

"Hear what they have to say. Listen actively. Show a genuine interest.

"It's not necessary to be their best buddy," Gasparrini says. "You keep
open communication with them as a parent, not necessarily by asking
questions, but by reiterating what they say - so they have to clarify for you."

The consensus seems to be that many parents talk too much and listen too
little.

From our 30-something mom: "When you decided to have and keep your child,
you took on a lifetime job. Take pride in your job as a parent; it's the
most important thing you'll ever do."