ALTERING THE RULES WHEN CONVENIENT

The right wing operates its own code -- a kind of moral Talibanism where the
punishment for sin is death (as in the death penalty) or if the crime is
noncriminal, ridicule, ouster or impeachment. The right applies the code to
politicians, ordinary citizens and celebrities with equal dispassion. And no
one gets away unjudged -- except, of course, for the right-wingers
themselves.

The loophole in the code applies when conservatives -- or more accurately,
Republicans (I'm not sure ''conservative'' means anything anymore) -- break
one of the moral laws. Then, of course, the rules are amended to create what
you might call ``exceptions.''

Here's how it works:

Rule: If a small-time drug user gets caught with a couple of joints or a few
rocks of crack cocaine and is sentenced to a long prison term under New
York's Draconian, Rockefeller-era drug laws, that's justice to the Rush
Limbaughs of the world. In fact, Rush would have such a person thrown under
the jail and then deported, as he has said many times.

Exception: If Limbaugh himself gets caught copping thousands of
mother's-little-helpers in a Denny's parking lot,this self-admitted
three-time loser gets 30 days in club rehab and a free pass from the press
and the public, who are supposed to be seized with Christian understanding.
This exception would not apply to Al Franken. Nor would it apply to one of
those black folk Rush has admonished to ''take the bone out of their nose''
before calling his show.

Rule: Gambling is a sin, and the myriad debaucheries of the entertainment
industry, including wild and woolly Las Vegas, are to be frowned upon.

Exception: If Bill Bennett bets the college money at the Tropicana, he gets
a free pass (and probably a couple of free nights in the boom-boom suite).
He remains the official morality czar of Fox News, where he is free to
comment on the ''death of outrage'' --including the complex universal logic
by which Bill Clinton is to blame for Arnold Schwarzenegger's sins.

Rule: The media is unhelpful to the war effort.

Exception: Geraldo was just trying to help those nice soldiers find their
unit's form letter-writing tent.

Rule: The media is biased.

Exception: Fox News has to be biased -- in a fair and balanced way, of
course -- because as the company's executives recently said in response to
criticism from that evil Christiane Amanpour, the alternative to being foot
soldiers for the Bush administration is to be foot soldiers for bin Laden.

Rule: Celebrities should stay out of politics.

Exception: Unless the celebrity is Gopher, Frasier, Sonny, Bruce, that
annoying comedian from Saturday Night Live who flopped as an NFL commentator
or Schwarzenegger.

It's called the Ronald Reagan exception.

If the Governator were a Democrat, he would have been tarred as a moral
relativist, Hollywood elitist, family values-killing lout who had no right
to speak about politics, let alone stand for public office. But because he
is a Republican, he's free to feel away on whatever suits his fancy,
unfettered by the pooh-poohing of so-called conservatives (with the
refreshing exception of George Will).

So which is it? Is it right or wrong to take illegal drugs? Right or wrong
to disrespect women? Right or wrong to gamble, to cheat on your wife, to
drive drunk (the sin a certain commander in chief got a pass on during the
2000 election), or for that matter, to lie . . . ?

That, of course, depends on your political party.