TAKING A CLUE FROM THE CITY IN THE DESERT

The Televised Revolution

You can't help but admire the city of Las Vegas for its honesty.

Tourism commercials for other cities consist of snapshots of landmarks and
footage of families laughing and smiling.

In the most memorable Las Vegas commercial, a woman tries to score with her
chauffeur before walking out of the limo and calling a babysitter.

It could almost pass as a "Saturday Night Live" skit, but it's an actual ad
meant to get people to come to Las Vegas.

And the new Las Vegas slogan is even more bizarre than the promos. "What
happens here stays here" is the closest thing you can get to saying "Come
to Las Vegas, sleep with hookers, marry one of them, blow all your money,
then get the hell out" without sounding silly. "What happens here stays
here" is like something that would be said at a slumber party before a
Truth or Dare session devolved into a hot lesbian orgy.

But the phrase also captures the essence of Las Vegas perfectly. Las Vegas
has always been a haven for people who want to do stupid and
self-destructive things.

The state of Missouri could learn a lot from Las Vegas. Missouri, like
every other state in the nation, has faced massive hardships because of the
recent recession.

Even if the national economy continues to rebound, Missouri could face a
deficit as high as $1 billion.

It doesn't have to be like this. There is a commodity that is more
plentiful in Missouri than in any other place in the world. I'm talking
about white gold, Springfield tea - crystal meth.

Imagine what a boost for the state economy it would be if Missouri marketed
itself as a haven for meth addicts the same way Las Vegas markets itself as
a haven for sinners.

Sales of motor homes would skyrocket. Businesses would thrive off of the
cheap labor created by crank users, a workforce that wouldn't need such
inconveniences as food breaks or sleep. And most importantly, thousands of
Missourians would move out of the unemployment line and into dark, dirty
basements filled with vats, beakers and toxic fumes.

My idea is by no means unprecedented. Holland has used drugs to bolster
tourism for years. Sure, much less dangerous drugs, but it's the same
principle.

Of course, the introduction of a population of drug addicts would increase
crime tremendously. But even this fact has a silver lining. Gun makers and
sellers would make a fortune. New jobs would be created in the fields of
law enforcement and drug rehabilitation.

Sure, it may suck to have to market a state to the dregs of society.

But it also sucks to have to shorten school years, lay off teachers and
make universities so expensive that people can't afford to attend them.

If anyone has a better idea, let me know.