INTEGRITY IS IMPORTANT

Just For Today

A co-worker asked me the other day, "Are you ever going to name the
12-step program you're always referring to in your column?"

Well ... no. If you ask me personally, I'll be glad to tell you, but
as for printing it in the newspaper, I'm trying my best to uphold one
of the program's 12 traditions. In the recovery program of which I'm a
member, the 12 Steps help us learn how to live with ourselves and deal
with the disease of addiction; the 12 Traditions help us learn how to
live with other people and preserve the integrity of the program.

One of those traditions states that the program is one of attraction
rather than promotion, and that we must maintain personal anonymity at
the level of press, radio and film. There's several reasons for that,
most importantly to keep public stigma from looking down on the
program or chalking it up as a failure if I relapse and use drugs again.

Relapse, unfortunately, is a common occurrence in recovery. We like to
say that relapse isn't a requirement, but it is a reality. I've
relapsed twice since first being exposed to recovery in 2000, and it
was only by completely surrendering to the program that I've managed
to make it more than a year and a half without using alcohol and drugs.

So many addicts want to get clean and change their lives, but they
don't understand exactly what that entails, and I speak from personal
experience. They say you can never be too dumb to get recovery, but
you can certainly be too smart to get it. I was one of those kinds of
addicts.

Because of a decent upbringing, scholastic achievement, a college
degree and a professional job, it was difficult coming to terms with
the fact that I'm an addict. A drug addict, to me, was the guy living
under a bridge and smoking crack out of a vandalized car antenna. I
thought my intelligence gave me an edge on beating addiction, and that
after a certain period of time, I could figure out how to use
successfully.

It wasn't until my last relapse that I realized I had to change
everything -- my way of thinking, my way of living ... everything.
That's a concept that's almost overwhelming -- changing your entire
life. Discarding old using buddies. Getting out of damaging
relationships. Moving into a halfway house. Changing jobs. Taking a
look at all of the spiritual garbage that's eating a hole inside of us
and getting rid of it.

That's a daunting task. Recovery doesn't demand anything, least of all
that all of those things be accomplished overnight. One of our mantras
is "easy does it." As long as change is taking place, we're moving
forward and getting a little bit better. It's finding the willingness
to change all of those things that can be difficult.

The meetings I attend taught me those things. It's funny to think
about, and it sounds crazy. If you'd told me that putting a bunch of
drug addicts in a room and letting them talk about their struggles
with addiction for an hour would help them to stop using drugs, I
would have laughed.

But it works. It works as long as I remain open-minded, willing and
honest, with myself most of all. The meetings have given me a support
network of other recovering addicts, which is the most important tool
of recovery I possess. The program teaches that the therapeutic value
of one addict helping another is without parallel, and I've found that
to be true. Non-addicts, from my family and friends to complete
strangers who read this column, offer their support and encouragement,
but unless you've walked a mile in my shoes, as other addicts have,
it's impossible to realize just how dark and how hard that road can
be.

Recovery isn't always easy, but it's a much more rewarding walk. It's
a way out of the darkness, and the foundation to building a productive
life. The meetings work, and no matter what 12 Step program you
attend, there's recovery to be found there.

There's hope and peace of mind to be found in those meetings, and
that, more than anything, is something I've searched for all of my
life but never found -- until now.