NEW YEAR'S HARD ON ADDICTS

The New Year Can Be A Difficult Time For Addicts Seeking Recovery.

With its emphasis on resolutions and changing bad habits, a lot of people
who use drugs will vow that, come Thursday, they're quitting for good.

That's a time that separates the addicts from the recreational users, the
people who drink or smoke and can control what they're doing. Those people
- -- they'll probably succeed. They'll stick to their resolution and won't
backslide, or if they do, it'll be so inconsequential they can put it right
back down again and carry on with their resolution.

Addicts, on the other hand, don't get out of their habits that easily. We
promise ourselves and others that we're done with our old ways when the new
year arrives. We might even make a valiant effort -- abstaining for a day,
or a week, or even a month. But eventually, the disease of addiction
reasserts itself, and we're back to our old habits with even greater
ferocity than before.

Addiction, as I've pointed out before, isn't about willpower, or moral
fortitude, or weakness. It's about a very real and progressive disease that
wants to kill us.

It controls our lives and drives everything we do, and there's no kind of
resolution that can stop our obsessive and compulsive need to get high.

Friends and loved ones may ask us, ``Why can't you just stop?'' A friend in
recovery likes to use this analogy: Try eating a box of laxatives and then
declaring you're just going to ``stop'' going to the bathroom. See how long
that declaration lasts.

For addicts who have never been exposed to recovery, the failure to
maintain any sort of New Year's resolution can be devastating. We don't
understand why we can't ``just stop,'' and we beat ourselves up for going
back to our old ways. We think we're weak and stupid and bad people, and
that just drives us further and further into our addiction. It's a vicious
cycle.

The best decision I ever made wasn't a resolution to stop getting high. It
was the simple matter of saying, ``I give up.''

There's a lot of talk in recovery about surrender. For many of us, before
we get into any sort of 12-step program, the concept of ``surrender''
carries with it connotations of weakness. God knows addicts aren't weak --
look at what we put ourselves through; physically, mentally and
emotionally, we're some of the toughest people on the planet.

No, surrender is simply about giving in to the idea that we're powerless
over our addiction -- that we can't control our need to get high and the
things we do to get there. We surrender to win -- and if you're wondering
how that works, I'll tell you.

You see, I look at my addiction as a part of me that's not part of me, if
that makes any sense. It's some warped aspect of my mind that's bent on my
spiritual, mental, physical and emotional destruction. It thrives in
isolation and feeds off low self-esteem and self-loathing. It tells me that
I'm not loved and that it is my only friend. It wants me to think that I
can overcome my need to get high alone, and then when I fail, it tells me
that getting high is the only thing that will make me feel better.

By surrendering, I admit that it's stronger than I am -- that I can't
defeat it alone. By surrendering, I admit the fact that I'll never defeat
it alone, that my life is a wreck and that I'm lost in some vast spiritual
wasteland.

By admitting those things, and more importantly accepting them, I open the
door to recovery. I acknowledge that I need help, and once I seek help, I'm
led to the rooms of recovery. There, I'm told that the therapeutic value of
one addict helping another is without parallel. I find acceptance and love,
I hear suggestions from those who have struggled before me and I accept the
support of those who offer a helping hand.

For me, surrendering was the best decision I ever made. It brought me to
recovery, and it saved my life. I could never cope with my addiction alone,
and that was why I always failed when I tried to stop using.

If you're struggling with a drug problem as the new year rolls around, give
yourself a break. Let others help you who know what you're going through.
Just for today, try surrendering -- it might just be the peace of mind
you've always sought.

Steve Wildsmith is a recovering addict and the Weekend editor for The Daily
Times. His entertainment column and stories appear each Friday in the
Weekend section.