CONS COMMIT CRIMES IN HASTE, NOW CAN REPENT AT LAWTEY

``I can't think of a better place to reflect on the awesome love of
our Lord Jesus than . . . here at Lawtey Correctional. God bless you.''

- -- Gov. Jeb Bush, in a Christmas Eve address to inmates at the
nation's first ''faith-based'' prison, in North Florida.

Let us pray.

Yea, though we hustle through the valley of death, we offer thanks for
the bounty of Faith to be found here at the Lawtey Correctional Facility.

Lord, look down with mercy upon us for we have committed multiple
felonies and misdemeanors that are grievous in Your eyes, and also in
the eyes of the judges and juries who sent us here.

Armed with lethal weapons we have entered liquor stores, pawn shops
and late-night establishments of convenience, and from those premises
we have taken cash, lottery tickets and merchandise. At no time, Lord,
did we return to justly compensate the proprietors.

Yea, and with only a screwdriver we have hot-wired late-model
automobiles to which we did not hold title, and shamelessly bartered
them to other sinners who chopped them up for parts.

Through open windows and unlocked sliding doors we have passed into
the dwellings of strangers, from which we removed plasma television
sets, DVD players, CD burners, jewelry, rare coins and sterling silver
flatware that did not lawfully belong to us.

Lo, we have snatched purses from women to whom we were not related,
and from those handbags we have lifted credit cards, and upon those
credit cards we have charged numerous expensive items for which we had
no intention of paying.

Likewise, we have written checks for various goods and services,
knowing verily that there were insufficient funds in our accounts, or
that those accounts themselves had long ago been closed.

No justification

In moments of weakness we have poisoned our bodies with alcohol, and
at the slightest provocation began to smite those around us with
Budweiser bottles, bar stools, pool cues or heavy ceramic ashtrays.

And yes, Lord, some of us have in those times of moral debasement
reached for a knife or a firearm and used it to assault another person
in a most aggravated way.

In our shamed hearts we realize there's no Biblical justification for
such behavior, even if the person whom we assaulted had coarsely
insulted our mother, commented inappropriately on our wife's choice of
swimwear, or stolen a baggie of crystal meth from our bedroom closet.

Newfound Faith

Confronted with our wrongdoings, some of us have spoken falsely,
resisted arrest and even committed battery upon law-enforcement
officers, showing not only disrespect for authority but a glaring
absence of common sense.

Lord, we cannot blame You for being rather skeptical of our newfound
Faith, for so many brothers and sisters in the prison system have
claimed to embrace You before.

It's true that, in the past, some of us did not turn to You until late
in the plea-bargaining process, and only then in a laughably
transparent attempt to convince prosecutors that we'd found spiritual
redemption.

Others of us waited until our final request for a new trial was
rejected by the appellate courts, and we were hence abandoned by our
lawyers.

Still others of us welcomed You only in the days approaching our first
parole hearing, during which we memorized numerous verses of the
Scriptures and extolled Your virtues to all within earshot.

Sadly, after our request for an early release was denied, we somehow
mislaid our Faith and returned to the blaspheming, gambling, fighting
and occasional drug use that is endemic to the penal life.

However, we now humbly beseech You to set aside Your doubts and
suspicions about our sudden piety. This time, it's different. This
time we're going to stick with the program!

Less recidivism

It's true that Lawtey is the first faith-based prison in the country,
but ask Yourself, Lord, could this experiment really do any worse at
rehabilitating criminals than regular prisons do?

As Gov. Bush noted, almost four out of 10 inmates released from
institutions in Florida get sent back someday. With Your help and
blessing, we will labor righteously to reduce this appalling rate of
recidivism.

As there are 26 religions represented here at Lawtey, we've made this
prayer generic enough to include all our inmates.

Although we occasionally debate Your attitude toward crime and
punishment, with one voice we beg You to understand that we're not all
incorrigible, despite the embarrassing lengths of our rap sheets.

In closing, Lord, please withhold Your Holy Adjudication for the time
being.

To quote from the Book of Raiford, ``Patience is a virtue -- as if we
had a choice.''