IF THE AUTO-ADDLED WON'T ALLOW TOLLS, THEN THE STONERS MUST ANTE UP

'Why do they call it the Gardens, grandpa?" I envision some
cuter-than-average youngster asking me in the imminent utopian future.

"They call it the Gardens because that's where they grow all the marijuana,
sonny," I will reply.

"Maple Leaf Gardens used to be a derelict hockey rink in a dark part of
town. But now it's blooming as the headquarters of the world's largest
municipal marijuana monopoly. Make no mistake, wee tyke, that's what keeps
the trains running on time in Toronto. Heck, there wouldn't even be any
trains without the good ol' Carlton Street Cashbox."

This utopia originates in evil times yet to come, when talk of a new deal
for cities has become a sour memory, when Good Queen Belinda has banned
corporate taxes, when the Ontario Liberals remain McGuilty as charged, and
when the auto-addled commuters of Toronto have truculently refused to
approve simple road tolls designed to forestall their city's imminent
bankruptcy.

Then-Mayor Ben Kerr has a brainwave. Why, he wonders, are we letting the
underground private sector reap all the benefits of big-box (i.e.
Canadian-scale) marijuana cultivation? If nobody else wants to pay what it
costs to keep city buses rolling, Mayor Kerr proclaims, we'll make the
stoners pay!

The Maple Leaf Municipal Marijuana Monopoly (MLMMM) will be an entirely
traditional innovation, reminiscent of the "sot-weed" (tobacco) monopolies
that built Virginia -- or even the great companies that created Canada in
the process of exploiting a headwear trend. Its outlets will be bleak and
shabby, like 1950s liquor stores, where government can make sinners feel
guilty while robbing them blind.

Legalized dope dealing is not the only alternative for cash-starved, tax-shy
cities such as ours, of course. For those who dare, new sources of revenue
are everywhere. But daring is necessary, because none of the new sources
will likely prove any less controversial than Mayor Ben's would-be
brainwave.

Chronically under-taxed U.S. jurisdictions have pioneered the creation of
these distasteful cash cows. Eschewing narcotics, they specialize in
exploiting their citizens' weakness for gambling. But Ontario is already a
big player in that racket (although not yet as scandalously dependent on
gambling revenues as Ralph Klein's Alberta), so it would appear that that
monopoly is already taken.

Curiously, the one new tax alternative that is clearly fairest to all and
least socially damaging -- more debt -- is also the most taboo in Canada.
Reluctance to take on debt is the most backward feature of our cities, a
polished executive with the World Bank once informed me. It's not "fiscal
responsibility," he scoffed: Debt aversion is a cultural artifact -- a weird
sacred cow that impedes progress.

Former premier Ernie Eves failed to dent that culture with his promotion of
U.S.-style, semi-tax-exempt municipal bonds. But that's a pity. By
co-operating in the creation of new municipal bonds that are exempt from
both federal and provincial income taxes, the two Liberals currently in
charge of the books could help to eliminate the much-discussed
"infrastructure deficit" at little cost to their own treasuries.

Fashioning a new deal is strictly a matter of choosing your own poison --
gambling, debt, liquor or dope. Only taxes are forbidden.

California, true to its trendsetting nature, is most innovative in
fashioning these expedient distortions of public finance. A decade ago, its
richest, most Republican and tax-averse county (Orange, just south of Los
Angeles) went bankrupt when county officials gambled the entire treasury --
and lost it all -- on risky financial instruments.

And now tax-fighting Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger wants his constituents
to approve a new $15-billion dollar bond issue just to cover this year's
operating deficit -- not the sort of debt financing the World Bank would
approve.

That, plus more slot machines. Indeed, anything other than the taxes he
needs to run a state. It's the way of the future.