LIMBAUGH TOPS LIST OF CELEBRITY SUSPECTS

Future Historians Of Pop Culture Might Well Remember 2004 As The Year Of The
Celebrity Show Trial.

Well-known names from NBA star Kobe Bryant to homemaking mogul Martha
Stewart are showing up on criminal court dockets across the land. The
combined media coverage threatens to rival that of the impending
presidential election.

The case that interests me most is that of Rush Limbaugh, the
arch-conservative radio commentator and admitted pill-popper who is
under suspicion of nefarious drug-related activities in the state of
Florida.

A couple of weeks ago, the formerly tubby talk-show host showed up for
court, where he was greeted by thousands of fervent fans. Limbaugh
responded by clambering atop his black SUV and performing his
trademark "Moonwalk," then invited thousands of ditto-heads to a
supporters' party at his palatial Palm Springs estate.

Oh, what's that? It was Michael Jackson who did all that? My
bad!

All right, let me see if I've got this straight: Jacko is the guy who
claims to love children and is accused of molesting them, while Rush
is the guy who always claimed to hate druggies and turns out to be
one. It's so confusing!

So, Rush didn't do the Moonwalk after all, but he's still engaging in
some pretty fancy footwork. He has to, in light of his previously
bellowed opinion that people who use drugs illegally should be locked
up and the keys quietly dropped in the Pacific Trench.

In trying to dance away from such statements, El Rushbo has found
himself in the arms of some pretty unlikely partners. The most
unlikely of all has to be the American Civil Liberties Union, which
has filed briefs in support of Limbaugh's contention that his medical
records should remain sealed.

As his attorney put it, "Mr. Limbaugh has already suffered the
indignity of watching a list of his doctors and medications
dramatically leafed through on air by television reporters. One can
only imagine the exposure these records will receive if the state is
allowed access to them."

Florida authorities are investigating whether Limbaugh went "doctor
shopping" to obtain overlapping prescriptions to powerful opiates. The
lead prosecutor in the case contends the state has enough evidence to
support more than 10 felony counts.

His office did offer Limbaugh a plea bargain: admit to one
third-degree felony and receive three years' probation, participate in
a treatment program and submit to random drug-testing. Assuming he
stayed clean, Rush would never spend a single day in jail.

That sounds to me like good old-fashioned liberal leniency of the sort
Limbaugh used to deplore at length. Now, it's way too tough!

OK, then, what does Rush consider a fair settlement? He'd be willing
to enter a court-sponsored drug intervention program in exchange for a
guarantee that no criminal charges at all be entered against him.

"The public is better served," his lawyer said, "by treating addicts
as patients rather than criminals."

A sane and sensible approach, absolutely! Widely applied, it would
save the taxpayers many billions of dollars and spare millions of
families untold grief.

The primary contribution of the war on drugs has been to create
criminals. Consider again the Limbaugh case. Not only was Rush himself
drawn into criminal activity, but he dragged others in with him.

Specifically, he asked his housekeeper to get him some of her
husband's legally prescribed pills. Then, he instructed her to tell
her husband to get his prescription renewed and pass the narcotics on
to Rush. When that little scam finally ran its course, he ordered her
in no uncertain terms to find another connection. She did, and it was
through that drug ring that all of them eventually were caught.

Rush's real crime, in my view, wasn't so much his aggressive
self-medication as the way he pressured his employee to break the law
and put herself and her husband at risk to satisfy the boss's
cravings. That was low.

In early autumn, before this storm broke, Limbaugh made headlines as a
TV sports analyst when he declared that Donovan McNabb, quarterback of
the Philadelphia Eagles, was overrated by the liberal media because
he's black. It was gratifying for me, as a football fan and certified
liberal medium, to see McNabb lead his team to its third conference
championship game in three years.

The relevance of that incident, if any, can be framed in the form of a
question: If a black celebrity like, say, McNabb, were suspected of
gobbling narcotics at the rate Rush was, would ditto heads give him
the same benefit of the doubt they gladly extend to their white
celebrity hero?

No, I don't think so either.