DESTRUCTIVE SPEED

The Madness of Meth

MANKATO -- Even after he accidentally started himself on fire, he didn't
realize he had a problem.

Dan was cooking methamphetamine one night in a barn when the chemical
mixture exploded, igniting him and the barn.

He escaped and extinguished himself outside. Then he watched the barn burn
down. "That scared me for about a month. Then I was right back at it."

Matt, 22, started doing meth at age 13. He smoked it heavily by the time he
was 16 and started injecting it at 17. He always had easy access to the
drug. His mother cooked it. "That's who I first started using with."

Jeremy mixed meth, a whole box of cold pills and ecstasy while partying
with his friends at a hotel. The police found him in a bathtub full of ice
after they caught his friends trying to rob an elderly woman downstairs. He
had been in the tub six hours. The last thing he remembered was lying on
the floor sweating.

"That's when I first realized I have no control," he said.

Methamphetamine has taken control of many lives in southern Minnesota, Iowa
and other states. The drug is commonly found in rural areas but isn't
exclusive to small towns.

Area law enforcement officials said meth use and production are escalating
problems. Former addicts like Dan, Matt, Jeremy and Joshua - whose real
names are not used in this story and who stayed at Mankato's House of Hope
halfway house - perhaps know that best.

"It corrupts a lot of people really quickly," Joshua said.

Total disregard

Jeremy, 19, started using meth three years ago. He liked the bizarre blend
of calmness and euphoria he felt when he used. "Nothing can piss me off. As
long as I've got my dope, you can't hurt me."

Dan looked at meth use as "self-medicating." He thinks he's on the verge of
acquiring attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and feels like he's on a
more level plane while doing meth.

Along with calmness, a high from meth brings a sense of carelessness. Users
don't worry about eating and sleeping.

"I would say when you're doing it, you're the only one that matters, but
you don't even matter," said Joshua, who had been awake for 13 days
straight when he was arrested.

Dan said he usually ate once a day and had one good meal a week when he was
doing meth. He weighed 140 pounds when he was arrested, too light for his
6-foot frame.

Jeremy weighed 90 pounds when he went in for treatment. He could see his
ribs from the front and back of his body. He said the meth ate his muscles
and turned his stomach into a knot.

"It's just disgusting. I'd take a shower like once a week," he said, and
even then, he could smell meth chemicals coming out of his pores.

And dentist visits were usually unpleasant because a common ingredient in
meth, lithium from batteries, rots users' teeth, not to mention their brains.

"Your brain doesn't break down heavy metal really well," Joshua joked.

Disintegration

If the physical effects weren't bad enough, meth's mental effects take an
even greater toll. Severe paranoia and hallucinations often accompany the high.

When Matt tried to sleep, he would see people who weren't there. Once he
hallucinated people were under his blankets with guns, and he woke up to a
destroyed bed. He had stabbed the bed to shreds trying to kill the imagined
invaders.

"It got me so bad that I was ready to kill myself," he said.

Joshua used to drive high. "I'd see a person in another lane ride through a
semi and think it was normal."

Users have watched their relationships disintegrate. They often pushed
their friends and family away, especially if loved ones mention getting
them some help.

That's not how an addict sees it, Joshua said. "They're not trying to help,
they're just trying to take it away," he said.

Jeremy said his family got fed up with his drug use, and Matt said he lost
his fiancee and 1 1/2-year-old daughter because of meth. "(Meth is) the new
love of your life."

Matt's love of meth got him into a lot of fights and kicked out of school
in ninth grade. "It got the best of me. I did things I would never do."

Several years after he began using, Matt hit rock bottom. He overdosed and
remembered dropping to his knees near the toilet. He was foaming at the
mouth. "I was ready to die."

He didn't die. But one of his friends wasn't so lucky. Meth is a stimulant
that raises a user's heart rate, and his friend blew his heart out.

"You don't realize how powerful it is until you're off of it," Matt said.

Lifestyle, money, power

All four men admit they've done stupid things while under meth's influence.
When nothing mattered, it was hard to get worked up about any dangers they
put themselves in.

For six years, 38-year-old Dan cooked meth, which is ephedrine or
pseudoephedrine mixed with iodine and red phosphorus or anhydrous ammonia
and lithium. He knew the toxic chemicals in it, but he used heavily, anyway.

"I made it so I had it. That was the bottom line," Dan said.

And he kept making meth, even though a whiff of anhydrous ammonia would
sometimes knock him off his feet. "You're wondering if you're going to get
another breath," he said, but "it was just part of the job."

The lifestyle, money and power he had while making meth also was enticing.
Users would bring Dan all the ingredients he needed if he would just cook
it and share with them.

"There's people I know who've sold their cars for a gram," Joshua said.

Getting help

Joshua was arrested in October for manufacturing meth. He calls himself
"one of the lucky ones" who could afford to post bail and get into
treatment. "I guess I kind of needed it because I couldn't get sober on my
own."

After his parents brought him home and before he could get into a treatment
center, Joshua wanted meth so badly that he thought about walking 35 miles
in the cold to his friend's house to get it. But he said he's glad he didn't.

In facilities like House of Hope, former drug addicts examine their morals,
learn to manage their anger and focus on becoming productive members of
society. If they were in jail, they'd just be sitting there.

Dan knows that well. He spent a year at the state prison in Stillwater on a
meth possession conviction, and he's been on probation for 17 years. His
parole ends in March, and this time, he said, he's ready to go home and
start his life.

"As far as drugs, you know, I'm done. Done. I've had enough," Dan said. "If
I'm going to get anywhere in my life, it has to be that way."

And Dan believes that with a strong enough will, anyone can beat meth.

But Jeremy isn't so sure. He has been in treatment six times, four of those
times for meth. He wonders if he's condemned to always be an addict. "I'm
just losing faith."

He's nervous about going home, where his old friends still make and use
meth. When he drives around with one friend, he said they're always "a
second away" from getting dope.

"The urge for it is always going to be there," Jeremy said. "It's a
terrible thought."

A couple of his older relatives who used to do meth cleaned up and later
"went nuts" and died because of what the drug did to them. He wonders if
getting and staying clean are worth the effort.

Jeremy said he loves sobriety and "knowing what it feels like to be a real
person," but without meth, "something is missing."

"I have to let that stuff go."

"It's a fight," Matt said. "It's an everyday struggle to keep clean."