BLESSINGS CAN FLOW FROM FAMILY TRAUMA OF ALCOHOL/DRUG ADDICTION

A year and a half ago my son, Max, shared his personal struggle with
alcohol addiction with readers of the Palo Alto Weekly (Oct. 9, 2002).

He is now 21, and a clean-and-sober college junior who is thriving
intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. As a deeply grateful
mother, I would like to share what I have learned along the way.

For a long time I was totally overwhelmed with what Max and our family
was experiencing. His drinking was out-of-control. I was frightened,
anxious and incapable of resolving this situation. What made me feel
even worse was that I was a medical social worker, yet I felt totally
incompetent.

My husband, Fred, and I had many discussions with Max about drinking
and its consequences. We paid close attention to Max's whereabouts but
could not control his drinking.

It was only when he had a second round of lengthy treatment that he
was able to fully grasp what was happening to him, affording him the
choice to stop his destructive behavior.

But Max wasn't the only one needing treatment. After individual
counseling and priceless emotional support from dear friends, family
and other professionals, I too have developed a much more
comprehensive understanding of addiction, and myself.

We made the difficult decision to share our story openly in the hope
that other struggling families might identify with our story. I say to
parents, "If you feel something is wrong in your household, trust your
gut. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. Your child's life may be at
risk."

Addiction is such a powerful and cunning disease that treatment needs
to happen on many levels. But due to funding cuts there are few
adolescent inpatient 28-day treatment programs in California, or
elsewhere -- the kind shown to be among the most effective for treatment.

We were able to send Max to the Hazelden Center in Minnesota, where he
began learning about the disease of addiction through education,
reading, lectures, and individual and group therapy.

We joined him for an intensive four-day family program. I sobbed my
way through most of it, facing the fact that our son had a near-death
experience that was also a chronic illness -- and it was going to be
up to him to get better. I felt frightened, vulnerable, helpless and
inadequate as a parent. I knew Max was experiencing great pain, guilt
and shame. I ached for him, myself, our entire family.

I learned we did not cause his addiction, nor could we cure it -- but
we could learn how not to "enable" Max's drinking and how it was
paramount for him to learn how to manage his disease and take
responsibility for his own recovery. We improved communication skills
within our family and each of us grew individually.

We learned why 12-step programs for the alcoholic and family members
are so important in providing support in coping with the stresses of
this disease.

Following Hazelden and three months at a halfway house, Max came home.
It was an excruciatingly painful time for us. Without the support of
Hazelden, he relapsed after several months -- not uncommon during
recovery. He entered Sequoia Treatment and Recovery Program in Redwood
City and moved into a sober-living environment for the next year,
where he found the support and companionship he needed.

We all have been engaged in personal healing and growth.

As part of my own recovery, I have learned how important it is to be
involved. I have become an advisory board member of the National
Council of Alcoholism and Drug Dependence (NCADD) in Silicon Valley, a
non-profit agency that focuses on education and prevention. We
conducted letter-writing campaigns to local and state politicians to
fight funding cuts and promote health-insurance parity for alcohol and
drug treatment. Last year NCADD teamed with Palo Alto's teen
recreation program to host a dance and health fair on available resources.

I also am a member of the school district's Alcohol and Drug
Committee, school and community leaders dedicated to launching a
proactive prevention program this spring. April is Alcohol Awareness
Month, but lives are devastated and families destroyed all year due to
alcohol and substance abuse.

I have learned that no disease scars the American landscape more than
addiction. Every year, one in four premature deaths is
addiction-related. The annual cost to taxpayers is $400 billion -- six
times more than America's number one killer, heart disease. Yet
private health plans still discriminate against drug and alcohol
treatment, even though studies by the National Institute on Drug Abuse
show that treatment works, reducing overall drug use by nearly 60 percent.

I learned never to give up. I learned to seek help and support -- many
compassionate people have helped our family along the way.

Words cannot express how deeply grateful I am that our son is in
recovery. I am in recovery, too -- sleeping well and involved in
purposeful, meaningful work. I have made enough sense out of
everything that has transpired and I feel hopeful that we can handle
whatever comes our way. I just pray I am able to give back what has
been given to me, and I feel blessed.

Deborah L. Kurland, LCSW, is a medical social worker with Satellite
Dialysis Center, Inc., a member of the Advisory Board of the National
Council of Alcoholism and Drug Dependence and a member of Palo Alto
School District Alcohol and Drug Committee.