IN HELPING CONTROL DRUGS, PARENTS WON'T WIN A POPULARITY CONTEST

Part III in a Series

Parenting is not a popularity contest. Parents who try to be popular by not
setting limits and following through with consequences if their youngsters
drink alcohol, and smoke cigarettes and marijuana are living to regret it.

We'll call her Jane Doe, whose three children became addicted to drugs,
partly because she wanted to prove her love for them by giving them what
they wanted.

All three dropped out of high school due to use of drugs, starting in the
eighth grade. She wishes she had talked to them about the harm drugs can
cause and that she had disciplined her kids more, particularly when they
were little.

Once she realized her kids were taking drugs and running with kids who were
a bad influence, she acted and took all measures to stop them.

"We didn't know our kids. We were so busy," Jane said.

They realize now that they were too good to the kids, rarely depriving them
of anything so they believed they loved them.

And they didn't talk to their kids early about the danger of drugs, nor did
they set any limits on drinking and using.

Peer pressure

Looking back, in all three cases, Jane said her kids fell in with bad
friends. They tried new friends, but they kept on going back to the old
ones who drank and smoked pot.

As it turned out, it's important to know who your kids are running with,
because they can be a powerful influence.

She tells parents to watch for a change in behavior, like when her son
would hide in his room or would not bring his friends home ever.

She knows kids who sell television sets, stereos and jewelry and use cash
cards just to get more money to buy drugs. "The drug controls the body, the
person," Jane said.

Jane tells parents to spend more time with their kids, to listen to them,
to be firm and set limits.

"If we keep bailing them out they won't learn a thing," she said.

"Don't be afraid to get outside help. I see nothing wrong with getting
help," she said.

This true case is being repeated in homes throughout the area.

A difficult time

Adolescence is a particularly sensitive time.

Carol Falkowski, director research communications at the Hazelden
Foundation, says adolescence is a time when there are so many forks in the
roads.

"They are exposed to so much more drugs, alcohol and sex than we were when
we were teenagers," she said.

In a recent talk to parents in Elk River, Falkowski said: "If you see
changes in your kids, trust your instincts. No one knows your child as well
as you do."

Falkowski tells parents to follow their gut feeling and get the child to
someone who does an outside assessment for a living and then take it from
there. (See suggestions on what to say to your kids.) The Hazelden Center
for Youth and Family is a good place to consult.

Each county human services unit has a chemical dependency assessment unit.

Falkowski and others note that the earlier children use drugs, the greater
the risk they will become addicted.

She tells parents they play a critical part in prevention by being role
models, by staying involved and engaged in their children's lives and by
communicating expectations about their children's academic achievement and
conduct.

Many parents remain so unclear about when and how to talk with their
children about drugs and alcohol that they say nothing at all.

"This is unfortunate because from the child's perspective, parental silence
can translate into implicit approval of drug and alcohol abuse," Falkowski
said.

The National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign of the Office of National Drug
Control Policy has a resource for parents called "Keeping Your Kids Drug
Free." It is available by calling 1-800-788-2800.