DRUGS, SPROGS.. IT WASN'T LIKE THAT IN MY DAY

Last week I was lamenting the fact that I am getting older. There are
advantages, however. Like other older people, I can worry about the state
of the world and say: "It wasn't like that in my day." This is terrific fun
and really gets up young people's noses.

Yet it is only a matter of time until I am expected to settle down and have
a family. This notion is something that women in their late 20s and 30s
seem to find increasingly difficult "these days", but teenage schoolgirls
manage with aplomb.

Though having said that, Stockbridge is a hotbed of conception, such are
the numbers of women with bumps and three-wheel buggies.

As I am sure you are aware, Stockbridge is one of those areas in Edinburgh
with a plethora of delicatessens and charity shops. Down this way we suffer
from social problems such as marinated goat's cheese shortages and Kalamata
olive turf wars.

We therefore feel it is only fair to characterise ourselves as "bohemian".
This manifests itself by having the men pushing the prams.

The other day I spotted two men walking down the street, both pushing prams
and talking about nappies. My mum tells me that my father would only push
my pram if nobody was looking and I can't help but think there is something
admirable about his reluctance to turn into "a big girl's blouse".

I suppose many of you have read about the 17-year-old girl who has had
three children by different fathers.

I had never realised parenting could be so worrying. Always presuming young
girls to be like myself at that age - in other words, scared of boys - I
would have thought that keeping your children child-free until they at
least reached the grand old age of, say, 18, would be relatively easy.

But these days it isn't only teenage pregnancy that parents have to worry
about. My stool pigeon at the school gates tells me that many teenagers
have been dabbling in drugs.

In my day we were so thick that we wouldn't have known where to get drugs.
In fact, we thought that smoking was extremely naughty, never mind any of
the stronger stuff.

In fact, the reason I have managed to reach the mature age of 29 without
having a drug habit is because the Government constantly reminds me that
smoking is still really naughty.

Yet if you are worried about your sprogs taking drugs, you will soon be
able to buy a kit from your chemist so that you can test them for illegal
substances at home.

Yes, you can ignore the fact they are coming home at four in the morning
pie-eyed. Pay no attention to the fact that the video recorder and hi-fi
are missing - it's the testing kit that will put your mind at rest.

I would imagine that telling your teenage child that you are about to test
them for drugs just might result in a little argument. Only a hunch.

What parents need to do is start testing them young. Obviously
five-year-olds are not taking drugs but they are inclined to consume
substances which should be illegal, such as cheese in the form of plastic
string and high-sugar drinks masquerading as vitamin-fuelled fruit juice.

And what of the teenage mothers? How do we stop this problem? By telling
young girls that if they have children, they will be given their own house,
will live off benefits and never have to work.

They will be forced to spend the whole day sitting in front of the telly
watching cable TV. This will put them off going out with boys for life.

Young 'uns, these days - they don't know what's good for them.