JUST FOR TODAY

I have a confession to make: I got a speeding ticket on Saturday
night.

The weather was warm, I'd just finished taking a recovery meeting into
a rehabilitation facility and was headed home to Alcoa when I blew
past a cop, doing 67 in a 50. To beat it all, my radar detector was
chirping away the whole time - I was just so lost in thought and the
music coming from my CD player that I totally ignored it.

Fortunately, the Knoxville Police officer cut me a break - dropping it
to 54 mph in a 50. Still, the ticket will cost me almost $100.

Now you might be wondering - what does this have to do with addiction
and recovery?

The answer: Everything.

There was a time, not so long ago, when flashing blue lights in my
rearview mirror terrified me. My heart started racing, and my mind
went through a dozen different possibilities: Do I have any drugs in
the car? Will the cop be able to tell I'm high? Do I have any
outstanding warrants on me or unpaid violations that I don't know
about? Am I going to jail? How will I pay for a ticket when all my
money is going to buy my dope?

Because of the blessings I've received through recovery, I don't have
to worry about those things today.

Saturday night, part of me was actually disappointed that the officer
didn't ask if I'd been drinking. I would have proudly consented to a
field sobriety test, a breathalyzer, a blood test, whatever he wanted
- - because I'm clean today, and I know, without a shadow of a doubt,
that I'll pass. There's no desperate attempt to figure out how long
ago my last drink was, or whether I'm over the legal limit ? because
of the path I've chosen to walk in recovery, I don't drink. Period.

When he took my license back to his cruiser, I didn't panic, wondering
if some long-forgotten warrant - worthless checks, or forgery, or
something worse I can't even remember - would pop up. Drugs - and all
of the problems they bring - aren't a part of my life today. The
illicit lifestyle I once led to get and use and find ways and means to
get more is a thing of the past.

When he handed me the ticket, I actually thanked him. I can accept my
mistakes today, and own up to them. Before, in my active addiction, my
self-centered nature took all of my mistakes and projected them onto
others. It was never my fault - it was the rest of the world,
conspiring against me.

I don't buy into such crap today. I can admit when I've made mistakes
- - like driving too fast - and accept the consequences that go with
them. And because I'm clean and in recovery and not spending $200 a
day to feed a habit, I actually have the money to pay a speeding violation.

After the ticket was signed and the officer bid me a cordial
goodnight, I headed back to Alcoa, and I actually found myself smiling
about all of these things. That's maybe the most important thing
recovery has given me - the ability to accept life on life's terms,
and realize that we all have good days and bad days and going-half-mad
days. I can accept life's peaks and valleys today - and I don't have
to get high over any of it.

I'm filled with gratitude today - even for the things I once would
have let ruin my night and put me in a lousy mood. That's more than I
can say for the dark days when addiction dictated my every move, my
every thought, my every reaction. I'm grateful because I don't have to
get high - no matter what life throws at me.

As long as I keep that in mind, my life will only continue to improve.
It won't be perfect, because life isn't perfect - but it will be mine,
to make of it whatever I wish.