AGAINST ALL ODDS

Despite her struggle with cancer, social worker Suthasinee Noiin continues
to devote herself to children and adults with HIV/Aids, as well as those
suffering from drug addiction

When Suthasinee Noiin hit rock bottom, she was saved by the selfless love
received during her critical moments. That is why the social worker,
despite cancer pains, is determined to make each of her remaining days ones
of giving.

''This is my last home,'' said the frail 48-year-old social worker, sitting
in the warm morning sun in front of Home Hug _ in the Isan dialect, the
words ''home hug'' translate roughly into ''centre of love'' _ surrounded
by small children who are considered social outcasts elsewhere because they
have HIV and Aids.

Suthasinee just sold her family house in Bangkok to support the centre that
she founded for abandoned Aids orphans in Tambon Tadthong, Yasothon
province. Apart from the more than 60 Aids orphans and abandoned children,
the small place also takes care of six Aids patients and seven
drug-addicted youngsters.

''No, I'm not the one who is the giver,'' she said humbly. ''They're the
ones who give me my life now. Because of them, because they need me, I have
the energy to live.''

A girl toddler slept peacefully on her lap. Nearby a group of small
children had fun drawing. Laughter filled the air, competing with the sound
of guitars from a group of teenagers.

The happy sight belied the turbulent years that Suthasinee and her Home Hug
centre have been through over the past decade. Her troubles have included
false allegations of drug use, lawsuits, dwindling funds, work overload,
the death of her beloved father and a fatal accident that killed nine
teenagers undergoing rehabilitation at the centre.

All of it happened during the same year: 1997. ''It was nightmare,'' she
recalled.

Born and bred in Bangkok, the children's rights activist started her work
for needy children in Yasothon in 1989, focusing on child workers.

''I found that when these child workers returned home, they often came back
with drug problems,'' she said. ''So I set up a rehabilitation home in 1992.''

Unlike most rehabilitation centres, hers did not use chemicals to wean
addicts off drug addiction. ''We used psychological means, because only
one's will can break the urge, not chemicals,'' she said with conviction.

She spoke from her own experience. ''My father was my hero, but he had
another family and in my teen years I had to do everything to win his love
and attention, to no avail,'' she said, her eyes dimming with hurt that was
still fresh.

When the pain became unbearable, young Suthasinee sought solace in drugs,
culminating in heroin. Her mother's unconditional love saved her.

''She never condemned me. She stood by my side, doing all she could do with
her boundless love and kindness to nurture me back.''

Suthasinee said she kept herself locked in a room for three days to beat
the drug urge _ and succeeded.

At her rehabilitation centre in Yasothon, Suthasinee uses the same loving
care a mother would resort to with troubled youngsters. Her method takes
time and patience, but she said about 80 percent of the kids permanently
kick the habit, resume schooling and return to a normal life.

Meantime, in addition to drug problems, she discovered that migrant workers
often returned home sick with HIV and Aids. Her Home Hug centre thus
started educating families on how to care for HIV/Aids patients. The centre
also works with schools and communities to rid them of discrimination,
especially against Aids orphans.

She soon realised that society was not as sympathetic as she was.
Handicrafts and sweets made by HIV/Aids patients with support from the
centre were shunned. Aids orphans that the centre sent to local schools
were abused and harassed.

The real storm hit when Home Hug, frequented by troubled teenagers, was
viewed by state authorities as a drug den. She faced legal charges after
the urine of some of children tested positive for the presence of drugs.

''They didn't understand that its takes time and understanding for kids to
quit drugs,'' she said.

During this time of trouble, she was disillusioned that the same officials
who had once sought her help on matters like Aids and drug rehabilitation
were now treating her like a plague.

''I became angry and hostile, which in turn made those people more
antagonistic,'' she said.

Her father, the main financial supporter of Home Hug, passed away that year
from a heart attack. Suthasinee blamed herself, believing he was stressed
by the lawsuits she faced. The economic crisis the same year worsened the
home's financial burdens.

Then another tragedy hit.

A group of nine teenagers who were rehabilitating at the centre and who
were helping her as volunteers taking care of some of the 40 Aids orphans
were killed in a car crash on their way to a weekend class.

Suthasinee suspected that it was not an accident _ the children carried too
many secrets that could have threatened drug pushers in the area. But there
was nothing she could do to prove her suspicions.

The series of tragedies almost made her lose her mind.

''I couldn't understand,'' she said, describing her feelings of self-pity
and doubt. 0

''I thought I had devoted all my life to helping others without asking
anything in return. Yet so many bad things happened to me. I kept asking,
Why me? Why me?''

Feeling alone, betrayed, abandoned, Suthasinee said she started drinking
and became increasingly agitated. ''I wanted to die. I felt like driving to
into a 10-wheel truck to kill myself.''

She paused, not because of fatigue, but because of the strong emotions
evoked by the past. Then she smiled at her own foolishness. ''I thought if
I died, then society would realise it had lost a good person _ that was the
mental state I was in.''

It was the faces of the little children at Home Hug that pulled her back
from those black moments, she said. ''They reminded me that I had duties to
perform.''

The dark skies seemed to open up _ but only temporarily.

A priest from the Lovers of the Cross of Ubon Ratchathani offered help. She
said he had learned of her drug rehabilitation work from a story in the
Bangkok Post's Outlook section. He sent two sisters to help manage the centre.

Two young volunteers Ponsaifar Chaisamdang and Phatcharin Pokpong, both 27,
also came into her life, dedicating themselves to a cause that Suthasinee
believed in.

''I have faith in her because we share the same faith in children,'' said
Ponsaifar. ''We wanted to see the smiles on these children's faces so we
had to help each other.''

Their dedication made her come to her senses, said Suthasinee. ''I told
myself myself to shape up. If I let myself drown in my own unhappiness,
there would be no one to guide and train these two young women with big
hearts.''

Meanwhile, she started developing stomach pains. In 2000, she was diagnosed
with intestinal cancer. Her world suddenly turned dark again.

''I couldn't accept it. I couldn't talk about it, couldn't even mention
that 'C' word. I looked like a wreck and people started gossiping that I
had contracted Aids.''

Despite loving care from her assistants, her health remained critical. An
intensive natural healing course in Chiang Mai did not help. ''Because the
mind is the master. When the mind is down, one's health cannot improve,''
she said.

She decided to return to Yasothon. ''I thought if death was inevitable, I
should die with the work I love.''

Miraculously, her health improved. ''Having to look after the ill and the
dying until 10pm every day, I had no time to worry about myself.''

Touched by the assistants' selflessness, she told herself she had to be
strong for fear of worrying them since they were already working very hard
to care for the children and patients.

But recently, her health took a sudden turn for the worse, to the point
where it seemed obvious that she was going to die. A funeral ceremony was
prepared.

She was saved by an infant, she said. ''She was screaming in the middle of
the night _ I tried to call my assistants, but they were too tired to wake
up, so I had to feed her myself. I was bed-ridden, but I surprised myself
by being able to move to her, prepare the milk, hold her and feed her. That
baby taught me the power of the mind over one's body.''

The following morning, Suthasinee started walking again. ''We can do
anything if our mind is strong,'' she said.

It also helps if the mind is still, she added. Again, she said she owed it
to the patients at Home Hug. ''Death is at our fingertips. We talk about
it, choose our coffins together, prepare ourselves and accept the
inevitable without resistance.''

This calm acceptance brings serenity, she said.

Suthasinee is now strong enough to move about with a walker and to
supervise the work going on. ''Every morning, a knock on my door from my
assistants and the sounds of the children tell me I have to get up, if only
for their sake. That's why I say that they're the ones who keep me alive.''

There are still many things to tend to, she added. Many Aids orphans arrive
with deep emotional wounds from endless rejections. Some refuse to talk,
some are withdrawn, others are overly aggressive.

Many can't adjust to school. Some are slow learners who can't keep up in
class, due to long neglect and lack of readiness for school. They need
tutors who understand such children _ ''But that remains wishful
thinking,'' Suthasinee said.

The centre has heavy financial burdens. Having been turned away by state
hospitals, its HIV patients must seek treatment at private hospitals that
are far more expensive. The new school term is also approaching and the
children need new books, uniforms and stationary.

The centre requires more than 100,000 baht a month to run, she said. Help
has started to come thanks to the popular Khon Kon Khon TV documentary that
ran a piece on the centre.

''It feels good to know that society is still kind to the kids we look
after,'' she said.

''Children need love and nurturing,'' she said. ''Unloved children will
grow up hostile to society. If we don't help them, we have only ourselves
to blame.

''There are children who need understanding everywhere. Look for them.
Don't give them just pity. Give them understanding and support. They need
help, and you can help.''

Info for donations:

- - Name of organisation: Suthasinee Noiin for Children and Youth Foundation

- - Contact person: Suthasinee Noiin

- - Address: 3 Moo 12, Ban Prachasan, Tambon Tadthong, Amphoe Muang, Yasothon

- - Telephone: (045) 722-241, 01-075-4953, 01-062-3873 or 07-053-4736

- - Bank info: Siam Commercial Bank, Yasothon branch, savings account name
''Suthasinee Noiin for Children and Youth Foundation'', savings account
number 561-2-21187-7; or Thai Military Bank, savings account name
''Suthasinee Noiin for Children and Youth Foundation'', savings account
number 437-2-13090-8

''We care'' is a fortnightly series honouring people who believe in giving.
In addition to supporting these causes, you can let us know about people
who unselfishly help others so we can make more people aware of their
efforts. Fax ''We care'' on 02-240-3668 or call 02-240-3700 ext 3208 or
3212. Email can be sent to sanitsuda@bangkokpost.net. For a comprehensive
list of charities covered by Outlook's ''We Care'' series, see the Bangkok
Post Web site at www.bangkokpost.net/outlookwecare.