SIMPLY SPLIFFING

Euro 2004? Everybody Must Get Stoned

Those seeking refuge from the fever surrounding Euro 2004 might be more
likely to find it in Portugal, home of the football tournament, than here
in Ing-ger-land. There, the police plan to help our infamously bellicose
fans avoid the unseemly confrontations of earlier years by getting them to
chill out a bit. To this end, they are reported to have asked local
marijuana dealers to ensure our boys are well-supplied with 'spliffs'.

We could do with some of these back home, where we risk being whipped into
health-damaging frenzies, what with Euro 2004-branded fast food and Euro
2004 beer and demands to spend small fortunes on Euro 2004 plastic
novelties. Employers will need a bit of calming, too, as they count the
cost of a record number of sick days, while a soothing toke might help
non-combatant wives and girlfriends see the comical side of their idiot
partners heading to the pub dressed in full nylon replica kit.

Then there's the return home. With feelings running dangerously high, if
(heaven forfend) the unthinkable happens, a mellow reception committee
might prevent the England team receiving a more traditional stoning.