FAMILIES HURT BY ADDICTION, ABUSE

Just For Today

In the year I've been writing about addiction and recovery, I've been
blessed by dozens of phone calls, e-mails and letters of support.

Several have been from addicts and alcoholics seeking a solution to their
problems; many have been from regular readers whose encouragement, support
and understanding I'm deeply grateful for. Most of the time, however, I hear
from family members coping with a loved one who's caught in the grips of
addiction.

Such folks only want an understanding ear to bend, and I'm grateful to be
there to listen. Having been through my own hell -- and having put my family
through it as well -- I can certainly empathize with what they're going
through.

My advice, however, remains the same -- until the addict is ready to do
something about the problem, there's nothing anyone else can do.

As addicts, we're cunning, manipulative and deceitful. We're not evil people
- -- it's just that when we're caught in the addiction, our behavior follows
no rational pattern. We lie to those we love, and worst of all we lie to
ourselves.

Family members hear time and time again, ``I'm sorry. I'll never drink/do
drugs again.'' And the astounding thing is, we mean it when we say that.
From the bottom of our hearts, we feel nothing but guilt and shame and
remorse. When we swear never to do drugs again, we have every intention of
upholding that oath.

But until we're actually ready to do something about the problem, instead of
making hollow promises and expecting the addiction to go away on its own,
all we're doing is buying time.

Because eventually, we'll go back to the drugs. We may make it a week
(although that's doubtful); some of us can go a day or two. But sooner or
later, unless we're making every effort to get better, we'll go back to
getting high. And we'll know we've broken our promises, and we'll feel even
worse ... and the guilt and shame will propel us to keep using, just so we
don't have to feel that remorse anymore.

It's a vicious cycle. It can be broken, but it takes a lot of courage for an
addict to get off drugs and into recovery. Until that time comes, family
members have to look out for themselves.

The first step is what's known as ``tough love.'' Family members dealing
with an addict or an alcoholic have to stand up for their own peace of mind.
That often means refusing to loan us money, even when we try to tell you
it's for gas, or cigarettes or diapers. Sometimes, it means evicting us from
your homes because you simply can't trust us.

If we do ask for help and tell you we're done getting high, then help us
make phone calls. Take us to 12-step recovery meetings. Give us a ride to a
detox center or a treatment facility. Don't give us money -- treatment
centers usually don't ask for money up front, and if they do, they certainly
don't expect or even want it to come directly from the patient.

More than anything, family members need to take care of themselves. That's
incredibly difficult, because it can feel like you're abandoning a loved
one, or like you're giving up on them. That's not the case at all -- you're
simply making a decision to take care of yourselves, and that's all you can
do until the addict or alcoholic in your life is ready to do something about
the problem.

Just as there are 12-step meetings for addicts and alcoholics to cope with
their disease, there are 12-step meetings for family members to help them
cope with the addict and alcoholics in their lives. It's a program known as
Al-Anon, and there are several chapters in Blount County. You can check out
the Daily Calendar section in every Wednesday edition of The Daily Times, or
you can check them out for yourself:

- - The Rainbow group meets at 8 p.m. Mondays at the Rockford clubhouse, 3722
Old Knoxville Highway at Self Hollow Road in Rockford.

- - The Townsend Group meets at 8 p.m. Mondays at Tuckaleechee United
Methodist Church on Tuckaleechee Road in Townsend.

- - The Tuesday Morning group meets at 10:30 a.m. Tuesdays at First Baptist
Church of Maryville, in the Family Life Center Craft Room, 202 Lamar
Alexander Parkway in Maryville.

- - The Celebrate Diversity group meets at 7:30 p.m. Wednesdays at Cornerstone
of Recovery on Topside Road in Louisville.

- - The New Beginnings Group meets at 10:30 a.m. Thursdays at St. John's
United Methodist Church, 2201 E. Broadway in Maryville.

At these meetings, family members will find others who have been through and
are going through similar situations. It's a loving environment of support,
acceptance and encouragement.

Family members dealing with an addict or an alcoholic need all the support
they can get. I highly recommend any of them.