MULLING OVER THE SWAB SQUAD

Duff Beer is the brew favoured by Homer Simpson, which he drinks at
home on the couch as a fun way of passing time. Curiously, the
director of research at the Australian Drug Foundation is a man named
Duff - Dr Cameron Duff - who kind of declared this week that drugs,
notably party drugs, are the new beer.

"Drug use seems to have become a leisure activity in its own right,"
he said, citing a foundation survey of 380 peppy Melbourne
nightclubbers.

In short, pillin' and chillin' are now "mainstream".

Dr Duff made a careful call for national policy makers to "rethink"
their approach to managing the heartland's latest hobby.

His comments made news, but inspired no outrage.

Consider, on Friday night a real-life Edna Everage called Radio
National talkback to say that expelling school students found smoking
weed wouldn't deter other students from bonging on.

"Kids smoke marijuana," she said. "It's just a fact of life."

She could well have been talking about the quality of lamingtons at a
church fete, such was her shrugging tone.

Certainly, John Howard isn't slapping his forehead with amazement and
a Homer-like, "Doh!" But the random drug testing by Victoria Police of
9000 motorists over the next 12 months might do it.

The world-first experiment begins in four days - at least that's when
the police officially get their powers to conduct the testing. The
first roadside swabbing is actually some weeks away; the technology
isn't in the hands of the police yet.

The sampling of drivers won't give us a definitive picture of
Australia as a stoner nation - yet it promises to make a compelling
one.

When the drug test kits turn up, and if they hold up, we'll know if
drug-driving exceeds drink-driving's popularity. More fatal accidents
involve drugs than drink - and drink-driving is very popular indeed.
Consider the recent blitz on the West Gate Bridge: a boozer at the wheel
caught every four minutes.

She could well have been talking about the quality of lamingtons at a
church fete, such was her shrugging tone.

During the drug trial, drivers will be tested for cannabis and speed -
and not the full range of popular party favourites, including the top
whiz, ecstasy. It's presumed that a good number of E-users will be
nabbed, because speed is widely used to cut the huggy drug - one bound
to invisibly confuse the trial's analysis and resulting profile.

Also confused are the subscribers to marijuana com. A newspaper story
about the drug test trail was posted on the site last month, birthing
a discussion board featuring many people with dope-related nicknames -
some outraged about their bodies being invaded (by the swab), but many
more of a mellow disposition who considered the police campaign a
reasonable idea.

Bongwater writes: "Yeah, I'm for it if it can show recent traces, like
within the last four hours. But if it can't tell when you used a drug,
then it is ridiculous and shouldn't be allowed." Smoking Joe Lee,
likewise: "I don't like the idea of anyone driving while intoxicated
but... when testing for alcohol, there is an agreed-upon level that
says, 'You're wasted!' Will the swab system work in a similar way?"

Put your dreamy minds at ease, fellas. I called George Svigos, media
adviser to Police Minister Andre Haermeyer. George says the swabs will
pick up the good stuff within two to three hours of smoking it.

A helpful tip: stock up on munchies before twisting up. No more late
night dashes to the 7-Eleven.