BUT THEN I GOT HIGH

I just read where TV talk-show host Montel Williams has come out in
support of legalizing marijuana for medical use. Turns out that Montel
has been smoking weed for years to ease his MS symptoms. While I am
happy that he has found pain relief, I have to admit that this
certainly explains a lot. Everybody knows Montel's show is just one
redneck family paternity test after another, with only the occasional
relief of dwarf wrestling or morbidly obese toddlers. Now we know why:
The brother was high!

This should lay to rest any notion that marijuana actually makes one
think more creatively. I'm picturing Montel firing up a big ol' doobie
at the morning staff meeting and saying, "Alright, dawgs, let's do a
show where we test some guy's DNA to see if he's really the father!"

While his yes-men staffers nod and say, "Great idea!" you know they're
all thinking, "Homes needs to stop smokin' the chronic and give the
people what they want: More Midget Weddings!"

And wouldn't you hate to be the one in charge of bringing the little
chocolate donuts to the morning meeting? Talk about your never-ending
jobs. ("Dang I'm hawn-gry!")

Reading that Montel has basically been high since 1999 is kinda funny
when you consider all those "scared straight" lectures and teen boot
camps he sponsors. All he wants to do, turns out, is puff some cheeb
legal-like.

And so do Walter Cronkite and Hugh Downs. That's right! I found their
names, along with Montel's, on a list of celebrities who support
legalizing marijuana for sick folks. And did I mention that my bunions
have been driving me kuh-razy?

Says the grandfatherly Cronkite: "At the end of the day, me and the
missus like to burn a coupla buddha-sticks and stare at the sunset.
Dude." OK, not really, but a girl can dream.

And Hugh "Ganja-man" Downs? Who knew? Of course, there were some
non-surprises on the list, namely Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, who
define Hollywood hipness with their hybrid cars and illegitimate
children and Woody Harrelson, who - hello! - wears only clothes made
out of hemp.

In an interview, Montel said that there are days that he doesn't even
want to get out of bed.

I feel ya, brother-man. The irony is that when the rich and powerful
get sick, politics can get pretty strange. Witness the conservative
militaristic Montel and Nancy Reagan bravely fighting her own kind for
stem-cell research. When illness hits home, it's amazing how marijuana
is less reefer madness and more "compassionate access."

Either way, I'm glad Montel's feeling groovy. Sick people should be
able to find relief where they can.