THOSE CABINET CONFESSIONS IN FULL

In a new wave of shock confessions by members of the Cabinet
yesterday, Ruth Kelly admitted that she had once experimented with
dropping litter, Alan Johnson revealed that, in his youth, he had told
an untruth about chewing gum, and Alistair Darling, the Chancellor of
the Exchequer, acknowledged that on two occasions he had giggled
inappropriately at school assembly, but hadn't enjoyed it.

This extraordinary soul-baring follows the admissions by several
Cabinet members that they smoked cannabis as students. This is seen as
a success. One of the exciting changes instituted by Mr Brown is to
have regular sessions at which ministers confess to youthful
misdemeanours. This will show that they are human and will be part of
the Prime Minister's Humility Programme.

Meanwhile, at Westminster, women MPs are rallying round the Home
Secretary Jacqui Smith, who let it be known this week that, as a
fourth-former, she was in detention on a couple occasions. Yesterday,
she was given a hug by a visibly moved Harriet Harman, who is now
quite open about the fact that she forgot to clean out the hutch of
her pet rabbit. Government sources suggest that Jacqui Smith is likely
to keep her job. It is pointed out that her detention experience has
made her even more committed to prison reform.

Ruth Kelly has said that she wishes she could get back those toffee
papers she chucked on the ground, but at least it has made her feel
more deeply about the environment. Health Secretary Alan Johnson held
a press conference and said he would not recommend anyone to do what
he had done and tell an untruth about chewing gum, but it had made him
more determined that all the statistics he issued about the improved
performance of the NHS would be accurate.

The repercussions of "Moustachegate" still rumble on. Peter Hain, the
Work and Pensions Secretary, has asked the media to leave him and his
family in peace following his confession that he grew a moustache when
he was 20.

He refused to divulge the nature of the moustache and deplored the
unwarranted intrusion of reporters. His office would not comment on
whether it was the pencil-type, brigadier-bushy, or Zapata. Speaking
in Mr Hain's defence, Geoff Hoon (who also has some kind of job in the
Government) said: "I think it shows he is a more rounded sort of
person than many suspected."

A statement from Mr Hain said: "I see my moustache as a tribute to a
number of principled socialists who struggled to grow moustaches in
the past. By shaving it off, I was exercising my choice to have a
smooth upper lip and this was an expression of my support for New
Labour's commitment to freedom of choice. I believe there is nothing
wrong with moustaches, provided they are grown responsibly."

Lawyers for Des Browne, the Defence Secretary, said last night: "While
not admitting to any wrongdoing as such, Mr Browne acknowledges that,
in certain circumstances, it might be considered by some people that,
up to the age of eight, he did not worry sufficiently about climate
change. If that impression were to be correct - and this is not
conceded - he would reply that he is making up for this by worrying a
little extra about climate change now."

No immediate damage appears to have been done to the career of Ed
Balls, the Children's Minister, since he "came out" on BBC TV's
Question Time recently. On this occasion he admitted that he had
sometimes been wildly irresponsible in his youth, once walking out of
a seminar 10 minutes before the end.

Shocked viewers jammed the BBC switchboard afterwards and a spokesman
was forced to explain that Mr Balls left that seminar early only in
order to be in time for another, even duller, seminar. Downing Street
sources indicated that the Prime Minister was not bothered about Ed
Balls's Bohemian past. This is seen as another example Gordon Brown's
relaxed, broad-minded style of government.