COPS SHOULD BUTT OUT

"Hey, they're busting nuns, man. Man that's cold blooded." Chong to
Cheech, as the cops roust the Sisters

QUESTION: How many Hammer cops does it take to arrest an elderly woman
having a toot in the Up In Smoke cafe?

ANSWER: Evidently, in this grim and loathing town, at least
three.

Surely, famed narco nut Sgt. Stadenko's mantra to all cops that "the
better the bust, the bigger the boost," could not possibly apply in
the sad case of Jean Cooper, 73, who was Up in Smoke's unfortunate
official first arrest.

Co-owner Ryan Clark showed me video of Ms. Cooper's bust, and although
her take-down made all of the local mainstream media, what was not
well known was that Ms. Cooper--who presntly resdies at the YWCA--was so
freaked out by her encounter with Hamilton's finest, she departed the
scene in an ambulance for a check up at a local hospital.

Clark said that there have been four visits by the coppers, on
consecutive days beginning Aug. 30 usually around 4pm-a time Clark
referred to as "stoner's tea time"--which resulted in two arrests.

Clark showed me exclusive video of the bust of a Mac student and his
girlfriend, charged with simple possession, as well as another
attempted arrest that was aborted after the accused produced a federal
medical marijuana use exemption card.

Clark said that the student and his girlfriend were "pretty upset,"
about the bust--blaming Up in Smoke for their arrest-and Clark said he
believed the student planned to plead guilty to a charge of simple
possession and get it over with.

Now, I've never claimed that the local cops are rocket scientists, but
in the case of Up in Smoke, the blue boys appear to be following an
ingenious strategy.

Just as in boxing the credo of "kill the body, and the head will die,"
is mostly true, so is "bust the heads, and the store will close," in
upstart Mary Jane cafes.

So I put the obvious question to co-owner Chris Goodwin:
are the cops trying to scare the shit out of Up in Smoke's
customers, which will effectively shut the store down?

"That's exactly what they're doing," claimed Goodwin, as we sat for an
interview at one of the half-dozen tables in the cafe, most containing
an ashtray with several leftover roaches.

"And I didn't think they were going to use that tactic, it was nothing
I anticipated, using pressure tactics to intimidate customers. And
they are openly saying that they are not even after me and Ryan," said
Goodwin.

Hamilton's apparent equivalent to Sgt. Stadenko, detective Mike
Thomas, who is tasked with controlling the vice and drug rackets
around these parts, did not respond to a list of e-mailed questions,
including a point blank query as to Goodwin's charges of "pressure
tactics" to force the cafe out of business.

However, Bob Bratina, running for Ward 2 councilor, took the time to
actually go down to Up in Smoke and sit down with Clark and Goodwin.

In an e-mail interview afterwards, Bratina said that "after a month or
so, we should have a very good handle on the real impact of this
business, and how council should deal with it, and I will take the
lead."

However, Bratina did add that from what he can gather, the reaction to
Up in Smoke from local businesses has been mostly negative, and opined
that perhaps being located right downtown is too "in your face" for
the local powers that be.

Others have a different take.

When I was in the cafe, I spoke to Ray, 35, and his wife, Joanne, 46,
who are HIV positive, possess medical exemption cards and use
marijuana to treat a variety of symptoms from their life-threatening
illness.

"It's about time, and a long time coming," said Ray when asked for his
opinion of Up in Smoke. "We (still) have to go Toronto to pick up our
medical supplies (but) for these gentlemen to step up and do this, I
love them."

And the constant police presence at Up in Smoke will not deter Ray and
Joanne, who both bear the scars of their disease.

"I'm not worried, we're not doing anything wrong," added Joanne, who
also said she and her husband had been in the cafe every day since it
opened.

While I was in the cafe, a heavy-set young man who may in fact have
been a police officer entered and filled out the requisite membership
and waiver form, then sat down at a table and began toking from a joint.

After asking Clark if he could look around the store, the man left and
Clark remarked that the new "customer" was most likely "major
undercover," and had been doing a little recon for the fuzz.

There is almost a siege mentality surrounding Up in Smoke--which issued
a manifesto-like press release entitled "Day 15" late last week--in
that Goodwin and Clark are almost resigned to something not so
pleasant happening to them, such as getting busted and thrown in the
can.

Yet these two energetic young guys are true believers in the cannabis
culture, vowing to fight to stay in business, and receive
certification from the federal government as a compassion society,
which should allow them to provide marijuana products to their
customers, who are legally entitled to smoke weed for medical reasons.

But in the meantime, Clark and Goodwin are hoping that the cops don't
bogart this joint.