I HAD AN ADDICT IN MY LIFE

By A Grateful Recovering Co-dependent

It is an honor to share with you my experiences as a wife, mother, woman
whose life has been affected by the use of drugs. You see, a family member
became a drug and alcohol dependent.

Someone once defined life as a series of events one did not plan for. I
never planned to have a drug dependent in my family nor the consequences it
brought to my life. The effects of drug addiction seeped into my life
slowly, stealthily, and at first, without much fanfare. I became aware of
the changes but I always said, "Oh, it's just a phase young people go
through. It's going to pass and then things will get better." Addiction is
a disease that brings chaos into the home. It can be a non-threatening,
nonviolent sort of chaos; it can be a sneaky quiet sort of chaos, or a
dramatic sort of chaos.

In whatever form, families get affected. When I first realized that a
member of my family was a dependent, I was filled with guilt feelings. What
did I do wrong? What could have been avoided?

Why did I choose that school? Should I have followed up more closely? And
so on, and so on, I tormented myself. Guilt feelings were followed by blame.

It's the friends, peer pressure at school. Family is not important anymore.
He does not love me. It's this or it's that. Never did I see drugs as the
cause of the problem.

Living with a drug dependent is a series of crises - big ones and little
ones that may occur regularly or sporadically. I was in a constant
emotional turmoil. Other dominant feelings were worry and anxiety. Where is
he? What is he doing? Is he all right? What if he's somewhere and no one
can help him?

I spent many sleepless nights waiting for my dependent. All sorts of
thoughts kept me awake. What if he has been hit by a car? Mugged? Stabbed?
I dreaded the ring of the telephone (no cell phones yet at that time). I
kept imagining all sorts of trouble. Only when I would hear him come in
would my wild thoughts cease. And, of course, it was almost morning - time
for me to get up and do the day's work.

Another feeling that was a constant companion was anger. Angry at my
dependent, at society for its permissiveness, at other family members, at
the world in general, and angry with myself.

Whenever he came with some story or excuse, I would fall for it.
Afterwards, I would realize that I had been duped; so, I got angry with
myself. Often I would hear apologies - a promise that it would not happen
again. And, even though deep in my heart I knew it would happen again, I
clung to the belief that maybe, just maybe this would be the last time.

Hand in hand with anger came self-pity. Why me? Why is life so unfair?

Days, months, and years passed. My life became a series of ups and downs.

My psychological development was put on hold. I could not see the beauty
around me. My other children were put aside. My life was consumed by my
obsession with my drug dependent. If I took a vacation, I dreaded what
awaited me on my return. So, I did not go on vacations. I was afraid to
enjoy, to have fun. I looked at things always from the negative and gloomy
side. Oh! How I envied the others! I looked at other families, saw the love
and care they shared and compared it with my miserable family life and I
became disgusted, frustrated and discouraged.

My spiritual life slowly faded away. I began to doubt my faith because of
so many unanswered prayers. A feeling of hopelessness swept over me leaving
me confused, distressed and depressed. I prayed that God would take my
dependent. Then I switched. I asked God to take me! Especially if more
suffering lay in wait for me, it would be best if I died. Thank God that he
does not answer foolish prayers. I now realize that God's ways are not my ways.

My social needs were often compromised. I avoided certain people out of
embarrassment and shame. What would I tell them if they ask certain
questions? Relationships with other members of the family became strained.

Even though I knew he was doing bad things, I covered up, made excuses,
even lied. Happy occasions like birthdays, Christmas, New Year, and our
town fiesta became dreaded events. A wrong answer, a wrong action or even
not the expected intonation of voice on my part would trigger a heated
discussion and disagreement.

All these trials, troubles and suffering took their toll on my health.
Though I tried to project myself as a strong person, one day my world
collapsed. And I found myself groping and stumbling to find a way out. I
stopped pretending that everything was okay. I broke the denial I was in. I
reached out for help and found it. I stepped off the treadmill because I
found that I was getting nowhere. I talked about my problems with the right
persons - persons who led me out of the dark and despair.

Yes, my dear friends, there is a way out - support group meetings,
fellowships, sessions, rehabilitation and family therapy - that are my eye
openers, making me face reality and do something positive to help myself
and indirectly help my dependent to get out of the quagmire.

Today, together, hand in hand with my dependent, we are on our way to
recovery. For more information, one may call the Recovery House at 231-5229
or 234-0355 or 0918-9379851.