The Last Laugh

GOING TO POT

Dr. Dave Hepburn Checks Out The Joint

What is your town's compassion society up to these days? Banning boy bands?
Sterilizing mosquitoes? Vice versa? Compassion societies are those intrepid
organizations that deal in marijuana for medical use. Motto: "Hey dude,
where's my care?" Or as one client appreciatively describes: "They put the
hash in compassion."

In an effort to weed out some of the misconceptions clouding this budding
market, I called the local compassion society and was invited to come down
and check out the joint.

Realizing the location of the society is a well-guarded secret, my inquiry
"How do I get there?" was met with "Use your freakin' car, man."

Knock knock knock.

"Who's there?"

"It's Dr. Dave."

"Dave's not here, man."

"No. I'm, Dave."

"Oh, hey man, come on in."

Expecting to enter a pad full of tie-dyed, red-eyed, dread-locked dudes
lounging about making rude noises with vacuum cleaner hoses sucking away at
their bottom lips (my dog hates it when I do that), I was surprised at how
clinical the office was. Add some 1956 Time magazines, fuzzy mould, and a
few screams of pain and this could have been my own office.

Each patient at this clinic had a separate chart, complete with a referral
from a doctor. Marijuana is doled out but not consumed on the premises
(wink, nod). Local MDs refer patients with illnesses ranging from irritable
bowel to fibromyalgia to multiple sclerosis. Most of these patients have
tried prescription after prescription without success and have admitted to
their doctor the one thing that seems to give them some relief is marijuana.

In fact, marijuana has been found to be useful medication for those who suffer:

* Severe nausea, often associated with chemotherapy

* Wasting diseases including cancer and AIDS. These folks need the munchies

* Spastic conditions secondary to neurological diseases

* Chronic pain syndromes including irritable bowel and fibromyalgia.

But many doctors are concerned about recommending marijuana. Aside from the
usual concerns of medication dosages, purity and interactions, doctors
remain somewhat averse to yanking out their scrip pad and scribbling:
"Smoke two of these and call me in the morning."

As part of the MD job description, we spend no insignificant portion of our
day describing in great detail how a patient will incur assorted horrible
cancers of assorted horrible organs if they continue to smoke. It's then
awfully awkward to instruct the next patient to "burn these leaves and
inhale the smoke deeply into your lungs."

Really recent relevant research has shown that there is, in fact, no
increase in lung cancer from smoking marijuana. Furthermore, vaporizers
allow the active ingredients of marijuana to be inhaled without actually
burning the leaf. (This college dorm invention was created to prevent
telltale odors wafting into the dean's lounge and mixing with his telltale
odours.)

Marijuana, like Valium and Demerol and other drugs, should NOT be used
recreationally. Marijuana can render serious users seriously stupid (see
Pauly Shore). Marijuana users operating Pontiacs, dental drills, shopping
carts or other dangerous equipment is not what society needs. However,
medical marijuana is being further studied as an adjunct to standard
medical therapy for those who suffer and would benefit from its use.

Having got the dope on how this growing operation works, I wished these
altruistic cannabis experts good luck in their endeavour to bring relief to
the discomforted. "Thanks for checking us out doctor. And by the way,
before you leave, dude, could you, like, turn your pockets inside out?"

* Dave Hepburn is a doctor in Victoria with a smokin' interest in medical
marijuana.