SKIP THE MARIJUANA PARTY, THE METH PARTY WILL CHANGE THE
WORLD

There has been much talk of the Marijuana Party and its belief that
simply legalizing marijuana will solve the world's problems. A lofty
claim, indeed. But there is a new political party sending shock waves
through the system.

Last weekend it was my great pleasure to cover the founding convention
of the Canadian Meth- Amphetamine Party. The convention took place on
the famed seventh floor of Canada's own Barry hotel in a room almost
completely devoid of light bulbs. Amidst the screams of the seven
delegates, it was possible to discern the loud yet high pitched wail
of their (I think) leader. The man, who would only be identified as
M-dog, was tall yet slight with eyes as yellow as the urine that
graces my bathroom floor each morning. M-dog revealed to me, in a
conversation that took place in the alley between first and second
avenue.at the convention after party, that he first became involved in
the Meth movement in 1996, when he and some friends pooled their funds
and opened a small Meth accessories store in down town Vancouver. It
was then that M-dog realized the potential strength of Canada's Meth
community and founded Fucking Blasted.a magazine that chronicles and
perpetuates Meth culture in Canada. While sales of the magazine are
pathetically low, it is a regular favourite of shoplifters in 24-hour
convenience stores across the nation.

The inspiration for starting the party apparently came from everyone
in the room being .really fucking sick of getting arrested all the
fucking time.. Hour after hair raising hour, the delegates hammered
out their platform.

Predictably, their platform focused on the legalization of
Meth-Amphetamines. There was a consensus amongst the members that Meth
was not a harmful drug and that there is no social or scientific
justification for its prohibition.

The countries police forces are apparently wasting their time and
money chasing a bunch of harmless people who are only occasionally
prone to acts of random violence and criminal insanity.

Aside from the legalization issue, the group took its platform a
creative step further, examining the positive economic impacts of Meth
legalization. Not only would police forces be free to fight the real
criminals, like that Kafka fucker,. but frequent Meth use would
improve the Canadian economy, as Meth users, if ever one has been
employed, are able to work 18-23 hours a day, and require only short
breaks to smoke more Meth. Also, the government would then be able to
tax Meth sales, if, in fact, Meth users have any money to start with.

The rest of the convention was a blur, my notes became incoherent and
I think I hocked my Dictaphone (I found a pawn ticket in my jacket).
Trying to explain to my girlfriend why I couldn't sleep and smelled
like plastic fumes was not fun, but also easier than one might think.
I don't know what happened to the party, I think the policy documents
were lost in an unexplained fire later that night. While the sceptics
of the world may conclude that the Canadian Meth Amphetamine Party was
dead before it started, I believe that one day we will elect a Meth
government as the first (and last) step towards a better Canada.