SO YOU WANT TO GROW YOUR OWN POT ...

I, as a proud pot-smoking Canadian, have been a trifle disturbed by
some of the anti-drug rhetoric floating around lately. We've seen such
gems as Anne McLellan labelling all pot smokers as "stupid" and the
shameless use of an American national tragedy to push an inane
anti-drug agenda: namely, advertisements linking drug use to
terrorism. This is spin that makes dervishes look amateur.

I'm a helpful guy, though. I like to lend a hand. I like to solve
problems. I try to see both sides. So I'm going to suggest a course of
action that should alleviate Anne's rational and well-informed
concerns about the impact of marijuana on helpless Canadian adults'
cognitive abilities while simultaneously fighting terrorism by
removing a lucrative source of funding.

"John, you crazy-ass hippie neo-fascist anti-American bastard," you
might say. "We already have a solution to this problem: just say NO to
drugs!"

Right. However, you must keep in mind that Anne is concerned for our
collective welfare. She would, perhaps, like to see some evidence that
marijuana use hasn't already addled our brains. So I propose a
solution that can assuage the sincere and ingenuous trepidation of
both parties: grow your own pot.

A moment of thoughtful consideration should prove this to be the best
solution: the money that at one time fed lurking Canadian Al-Qaeda
cells will now be completely denied them, thereby stymying plans to
bomb the Vegreville pysanka. The Canadian economy will receive a small
but detectable boost as hordes of happy marijuana lovers buy grow
lights and gardening supplies, and our beloved government will receive
even more tax revenue, as all marijuana-related purchases will now be
legitimate. Anne might even get a raise.

Piling strength onto strength, we also find that growing marijuana
requires some planning and research. It requires a working knowledge
of many aspects of the natural sciences, skills of detailed
observation and documentation, and advanced horticultural techniques.
Learning how to properly grow marijuana, in fact, is a feat that puts
to shame most undergraduate lab experiments. So, far from contributing
to ignorance and stupidity, growing marijuana promotes intellectual
initiative and an appreciation for science.

By now some of you might be frothing at the mouth, raging that I have
misinterpreted Anne's remarks or, worse, deliberately taken them out
of context. "What she meant," you might be saying, "is that pot
smoking is so horribly damaging to your health that only a moron would
do so. Asshole." Yet surely, after having been minister of health for
more than two years, she should be aware that the scientific
literature regarding marijuana's short- and long-term health effects,
limited though it is, clearly does not support such a position.

The fact of the matter is that cannabis was criminalized for
political, racial and economic reasons, not for the protection of
human health. The movement for prohibition was affected by political
lobbying early in the 20th century by the DuPont company to protect
its new financial interests in synthetic fibres and petroleum
products, which it felt were threatened by hemp; intimidation and
control of the movements and actions of minorities, particularly
Mexicans and blacks; the very personal and untiring anti-marijuana
campaign of American Drug Commissioner Harry J Anslinger; and Canada's
desire to accommodate and support the deeply hypocritical American war
on drugs.

"But by golly," you say. "I know lots of reasonable people who think
marijuana is very harmful. I've always thought so myself. Surely we
can't all be wrong."

And yet, there are ways. State-funded messages and propaganda decrying
the use of marijuana engender opinion and inspire fear in those who
have absolutely no relevant experience, and make the democratic ideal
of open and meaningful dialogue on the issue impossible. Through such
classic films as Reefer Madness and High on the Range and more modern
propaganda like anti-drug television commercials, North American
governments have turned popular opinion against marijuana. This should
not surprise us, however. As Bertrand Russell famously said, "There is
no nonsense so errant that it cannot be made the creed of the vast
majority by adequate governmental action. Man is a credulous animal,
and must believe something; in the absence of good grounds for belief,
he will be satisfied with bad ones."

"Okay," you say. "The overwhelming lucidity of your arguments and, uh,
depth of your research has broken my resistance. Where do I start?"
Well, the guide that follows is as good a place as any. There are also
a slew of online grow guides and FAQs which can address most of the
questions of new growers.

Now that you've decided to grow, there are certain things you'll need,
and certain things you'll need to know. I can tell you about both.

What You'll Need

Growing marijuana is an exciting, inspiring and cheap hobby. For less
than the current cost of an ounce of pot, you can buy all you need to
begin growing an unlimited supply. If you are growing indoors, certain
items are absolutely essential, while others are so useful that they
will pay for themselves in spared time and frustration many times over.

First, and most important, is lighting. Unless you are growing in a
very confined space, avoid using fluorescent bulbs as your primary
light source; invest instead in a 400W metal halide or high pressure
sodium bulb and ballast. By price comparing online or at local
hardware stores, you should be able to get one for about $100.

Next, unless you have access to rooted clones, you will need seeds. A
package of ten indica-dominant high-quality seeds will cost only $20.
Marc Emery runs a secure and prolific seed distribution company from
cannabisculture.com.

Soil, soil amendments, pots and fertilizers, assuming a moderately
sized grow, should cost no more than $40. A digital pH meter (I
recommend the Hanna pH Tester), including shipping, costs only $30.
Add on a few dollars for a carbon filter, fans, and other odds and
ends unique to each grow space, and the total comes to approximately
$250. Very reasonable.

What You'll Need to Know

The basic requirements of plants are fairly simple: water, light,
carbon dioxide, oxygen, nutrients and a properly balanced pH.
Different species and varieties of plants prefer differing amounts or
ranges of each. Perhaps the least familiar is pH. Improper pH tends to
"lock out" nutrients, causing the plant to slowly starve.

With pH, as with all other elements, the success or failure of your
plants rests almost entirely on your ability to provide the right balance.

There are three stages in the life of a marijuana plant: germination,
vegetative growth, and flowering. Each stage has requirements and
challenges unique to it. So let's get prepared.

Germination

Take care not to:

* use bleach * overheat or chill the seeds * scuff or damage the
root tip

A marijuana seed contains an embryo and enough food to allow the
embryo to grow small roots and a single pair of small, round leaves:
the cotyledons. These leaves then take over the task of supplying
energy to the growing plant's tissues by photosynthesizing. To
"trigger" development of the embryo, all that is necessary is a warm,
moist environment.

The best way to germinate seeds is to fold and moisten several sheets
of unscented paper towel, forming a thick pad. This pad is then placed
on a clean plate, the seeds scattered on top of it, and then covered
with a second layer of folded and moistened paper towel. Cover the
first plate with a second, inverted plate to form a chamber, and place
the unit somewhere warm. The vents of computer monitors and
televisions provide the right temperature (roughly 25-30C). In
anywhere from twelve to 72 hours, the seed coat will rupture and a
small, white root tip will poke out. Germination is now complete; it's
time to plant the seed.

Relevant tutorials on cannabisculture.com: long-germination
techniques, fresh-water germination, use of bleach.

Vegetative Growth

Take care not to:

* overfertilize * underfertilize * overwater

As beginners, it is best to grow in soil. Soil, while it has many
unique challenges, tends to be more forgiving of mistakes than
hydroponics or aeroponics. Good soil is soft so the roots can
penetrate without difficulty, drains easily so they can get oxygen and
the water does not become stagnant, yet retains a great deal of
moisture so that the roots don't dry out. You will need to "make" this
soil.

Get a bag of unfertilized (I repeat, unfertilized) soil. Get some peat
moss, and some perlite or vermiculite--either will do. In a large tub,
blend together two parts soil to one part peat moss and one part
perlite or vermiculite. Fill several small, punctured pots or cups
(250-500cc) with the soil mixture, and pat it down gently (I repeat,
gently). Wet the soil thoroughly using clean, pH-balanced water and
allow it to drain. Now, with tip of a pencil or wooden match, poke a
hole in the surface of the soil roughly half a centimetre deep. Gently
place the germinated seed in the hole--root tip down--and sprinkle a
small amount of soil on top. In anywhere from a day to a week, the
seed will root itself, break the surface of the soil, and spread its
leaves to the world.

Upon emerging from the soil, your plants should immediately be placed
under your grow lights on a light schedule of 20 hours on, four hours
off. You will need a timer. Start the light 18 inches from the tops of
the plants, lowering it each day until it is approximately eight
inches from their tops, where it should remain. Under these
conditions, your plants will flourish, growing at a rate of an inch
per day or more. As they grow, you will need to transplant them into
larger pots. You should end in three to five gallon pots.

Marijuana grows as separate female and male plants. The eventual sex
of the plant is apparently not predetermined in the seed. Few
marijuana smokers know that only the female plants produce
"buds"--smokable marijuana. Few marijuana growers know that you can
radically influence the proportion of females to males. The secret is
to provide a cool, moist, high-nitrogen environment with twelve hours
per day of bluish light--ideal springtime conditions--for the first
ten to 14 days after germination. This can increase the percentage of
females from roughly 50 to 90.

Now that your plants are rooted and self-sufficient, it is important
to provide them with ideal vegetative conditions. Water the plants
properly: soak the soil deeply with clean pH-balanced water, then do
not re-water until the surface of the soil is quite dry. This will
force the roots to "chase" their water supply as gravity slowly pulls
it down, resulting in a dense root system. Always soak the soil
thoroughly before fertilizing to avoid creating "hot spots" of high
fertilizer concentration. Begin fertilizing within a few days, but mix
to only one-eighth the recommended concentration at first, increasing
the dose gradually to full strength and beyond. Do not fertilize with
each watering; every second watering is recommended. Lastly, leach the
soil every few weeks to remove mineral salts by slowly pouring four to
five times the container's volume in pH-balanced water through it.

To start flowering, the third and final stage of growth, the plant
must receive twelve hours of light and twelve hours of complete,
uninterrupted darkness each day. Reset your timer.

Relevant tutorials on cannabisculture.com: "training" plants to keep
them from growing too tall, "topping" or "FIMming" to encourage
branching and to increase yield, "sexing" plants by looking for
pre-flowers, "SOG" or "ScrOG" techniques.

Flowering

Take care not to:

* let males or hermaphrodites live * interrupt the dark
period

During the first two to three weeks of flowering, the plants will grow
upward and outward at a tremendous pace. The growing tips and all
nodes will begin to produce dense clusters of white hairs--stigmas--on
female plants, or clusters of grape-like pollen sacs on male plants.
Unless you wish to produce seeds, remove the males
immediately.

After this initial spurt, the plants will typically slow or stop their
upward growth, and will instead devote their energy to producing fat,
sticky buds. It is important at this time to switch from a
high-nitrogen vegetative fertilizer to a high-phosphorus flowering
fertilizer.

As the plant matures, many of its stigmas, which were once bright
white or yellow, will wilt, turning a deep brown or red as they do so.
This is indicative of ripening. The most reliable indicators of
ripeness, however, are what people commonly refer to as
"crystals"--small globules on tiny stalks known as trichomes.
Trichomes grow densely on healthy buds and are initially clear. As
they mature, however, they will slowly progress to an amber colour.
When 20-30 per cent of all trichomes are amber, the buds should be
harvested.

This is the single most reliable indicator of ripeness and the only
one that should dictate the harvest time. To properly view the
trichomes, it is absolutely essential that you have a powerful
magnifying glass or handheld microscope. They cost around $10.

It is also extremely important to stop fertilizing your plants for the
last ten to 14 days before harvest. This is known as "flushing."
Unflushed marijuana burns poorly and tastes worse.

Relevant tutorials on cannabisculture.com: "sequential harvesting" to
maximize yield, sexing tutorials, water curing.

Drying and Curing

Take care not to:

* let mould get established

Once the large buds have been removed or the whole plant harvested, it
is important to trim, dry and cure the buds properly.

With a sharp pair of scissors, trim away all the bud-leaves. Place or
hang the buds or plants in a clean, dry, dark area with good air
circulation. Break up any large buds into their smaller components to
prevent mould.

If air cannot get to the bottom of the buds, rotate them daily and
examine for mould. Discard all mouldy buds immediately. After three to
five days, the buds should be thoroughly dry--small stems should snap
under pressure with an audible "crack." The buds should now be gently
placed in sealed glass or plastic jars to cure, or age like wine.

Safety and Security

Take care not to:

* get your ass caught

Those same techniques which allowed years of clandestine masturbation
in your parents' home will serve you well in concealing your plants.

First, don't tell anyone you're going to grow or are growing. Muffle
any sources of sound, such as the hum of the ballast. Ensure that your
grow area is light-proof and that there are no conspicuous power cords.

Mask any odours with an activated carbon filter or with an
odour--neutralizing agent. Clean up after yourself and don't leave any
conspicuous items in the open. Don't have sensitive materials sent to
your home address--use an alternate address. And last but most
importantly, always pay for products in cash. The total increase in
your power bill, depending on your light schedule and the stage of
growth, will be from $5 to $14 per month--absolutely and utterly
undetectable.

Other Information

There are two major categories of marijuana: indicas and sativas. When
purchasing seeds for a first-time grow, buy indicas.

There are literally hundreds of unique varieties of marijuana, each
with different growth and smoke characteristics. Indicas on the whole
tends to be more forgiving of mistakes and provides the classic
"stoned" high most people associate with smoking marijuana.

Long-flowering sativas, on the other hand, is fickle, but provides
much more interesting highs; it is the fine wine of marijuana.
Soil-based marijuana plants prefer a pH of 6.2 to 6.8--it is
imperative that you have a good digital pH meter.

There are many tips, tricks and other methods I couldn't cover here,
including breeding, cloning, flavouring, and bubble hash. For more
information, I highly recommend the guides, links and people found at
cannabisculture.com in the New Grower's Primer of the public forums.