COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR TEEN ABOUT DRUGS

Understanding Adolescence

Adolescence is the stage of development that bridges the gap between
childhood (dependence on parents) and adulthood (independence). It is a
period where teenagers search for their own identity, to find out where
they fit in the world, who they are etc. This means that they are often
evaluating and imitating adults while also being aware of what society
expects (of adults) and comparing this to their own perceived inadequacies.
As a result, teenagers often only feel accepted when they are with other
teenagers and, therefore, it is very important for them to fit into their
crowd. For example, they often don't mind looking 'weird' to their parents
as long as they look OK to others. In the search for an independent
identity, teenage behaviour may include rejecting or rebelling against
family values. Feelings of self-consciousness and insecurity will often be
acted out via moods, outbursts etc.

No matter how well your relationship has been with your teenager in the
past, you will often be challenged about your ideals as they attempt to
define their own values and beliefs and their relationship in the world
around them. Although, at times, you may become frustrated and angry, it
may help to remember that your teenager's behaviour is part of the process
of becoming independent and working out how to manage their life as an adult.

Adolescence is also a time for experimenting and risk taking. During this
period of their lives, excitement comes from such things as getting a
driver's licence, getting into a pub, sexual contact and using drugs.
Although many parents experience difficulty in talking with teenagers about
certain issues, effective communication will contribute to much needed
support for your teenager and will, hopefully, also lead to a lessening of
your concerns.

One of the first steps in effectively communicating with your child about
drugs (or any sensitive issue) is to try and understand where they are
coming from and what they are going through. Having been through
adolescence yourself, although your experiences may not have been exactly
the same as your teenagers, there will be certain similarities that you
will be able to relate to. Try putting yourself in their shoes and
exploring what they may be feeling. Usually parents want to know what's
happening with their child, although they often fall into the trap of
telling them what they should be doing or thinking. Often, one of the
hardest things for parents is to discard the notion that their point of
view is the only point of view (or only correct one).

Important Communication Methods To Consider

Honesty: Let your teenager know what you would like to talk about and why.
Discuss your concerns, fears and other feelings openly but in a calm
manner. Let them know what it's like to be a parent. If your communication
has not exactly been honest in the past, it may take a while to regain
trust so give it time. If your teenager sees you as being honest, they are
more likely to respond in the same manner.

Consistency: Because your teenager is viewing the world very closely, they
will be aware of any hypocrisy they see. Consider your own views on drugs.
If you have expressed strong and inflexible views about drugs it will be
difficult for your teenager to discuss their own situation with you.
Examine your own use of drugs including the legal ones such as alcohol and
tobacco. This doesn't necessarily mean that you have to abstain from these
substances. However, if you acknowledge your relationship to them it will
strengthen your credibility, and also offer a good starting point for
discussion.

Openness: Discuss your own (or others) drug use in a way that encourages
your teenager to explore their own opinions and solutions about drug use.
If your teenager makes their own decisions about their behaviour you won't
have to constantly try to enforce your own rules which often tend to get
broken anyway. Try to be as non-judgemental as possible by acknowledging
their individual opinions and attitudes and not evaluating them on a
personal basis, e.g. 'You are silly to think that'. Negotiate ground rules
where you and your teenager work towards agreement on matters that is
acceptable to all parties. Remember that it is important for teenagers to
have a sense of control over their own lives and this requires you to be
flexible.

Listening: True listening not only means that the message itself is
received, but that the person knows they have been heard. Conveying to the
other person that you are really interested in what they have to say helps
to draw them out. Be aware of your body language, including facial
expressions, posture, use of arms, hands etc, and let them know that you
are open to what they have to say.

Try to avoid using barriers that are likely to abruptly end the
conversation, such as:

Ordering: 'You must...', 'You have to...', 'You should...' etc;

Over sympathising: 'Don't worry, you'll be right';

Warning/threatening: 'You'd better... or else...';

Lecturing: 'Did you know...', 'The truth is...';

Diagnosing: 'Your problem is...';

Judging: 'You are wrong', 'You're being stupid';

Interrogating: 'What', 'Why', 'Who' 'How'.

The above methods leave little room for your teenager to explore their own
responses and solutions. Instead, ask your teenager what they see as the
problem and what they regard as the best thing to do. Remember that they
are young adults and will most likely have answers that are suitable for
them. Their ability to solve the problem will also provide them with
greater confidence to deal with future issues. If they have difficulty in
finding a solution to a problem and ask you what to do, you may like to
offer your response more as a guide or suggestion. For example, "You will
have to make up your own mind, but I would...".

Putting Drug Use Into Perspective

If you think or are aware that your teenager is using drugs it does not
mean that things are out of control or they are dependent (addicted). Many
young people experiment with drugs but most will not go on and develop a
dependence to them or any other significant problems.

Given this, it is important to get your teenager through this stage as
safely as possible. Think about why your teenager may want to use drugs and
talk with them about it. Together, try and identify any risks your teenager
may be exposing themselves to and help them to explore solutions that will
assist in keeping the risks to a minimum. Let them know that you will be
there to help them with any concerns or dangers they may face. If you are
part of a two parent team, perhaps the parent who has the easiest rapport
can initiate the conversation, or another relative, a family friend etc. If
you are having trouble communicating with your teenager, there are many
professional services and support groups available, so don't be afraid to
seek outside assistance. Remember that you don't have to know everything
about parenting, communication or drugs. Your willingness to help your
child through this period of their lives will provide a sound basis from
which to start.