POT 'N' PROSTITUTES 'R' US

Happy Campers: Thanks, Liberal policy wonks! If Canadians can't have lower
taxes or a missile shield, at least give us hookers and dope!

Daycare for dah kiddies, night care for adults.

The Liberals' weekend policy convention was cranked to gleefully re-endorse
the legalization of marijuana but stuck pot on the back burner for the
moment. (Gee, did something tragic happen?) Pot will be back. Instead the
faithful overwhelmingly endorsed the legalization of prostitution.

All right! Way to go! Now we're talkin'!

What voter hasn't pumped up his piggy bank for this happy day? Widely and
easily available legal bangs for a buck. Okay, a hundred bucks. Two
hundred? Does that include Jergens lotion? Daddy's goin' out for a walk.
Leave a light on.

For Justice Minister Irwin Cotler, letting "vulnerable sex workers" do what
they do best minus police is Job One. The state has no business in the
shagging of the nation.

I pray the GTA's Liberal MPs do their duty and get Toronto our fair share
of party-endorsed pot and legal pay-for-pleasure sex. Will they do a better
delivery job than they have on -- oh say -- transit, health care or
infrastructure cash? They owe us.

Pot and hookers are the perfect combo to make Toronto tourism boom again.
We'd be convention central. The Amsterbeaverdam of the North.

It's win-win too! Sex workers aren't snared in the legal system. Citizens
scratch when it itches. Conventioneers go home happy. Hotels and
restaurants rock. As for the feds, just think of the GST! (It IS a service,
isn't it?) Men, women, whatever, get it on. Church Street, please copy.

Predictably, it is Young Liberals who lead the way towards prostitution law
reform. God bless Da Yout. Progressive and cutting edge, these wee devils
know what Canada wants. Pot. Pleasure. No stinkin' downside. VISA and
MasterCard accepted.

Little Grits, like puppies, are adorable when they're small. Cute, frisky,
playful as poodles. They love being petted and often pet each other. Only
when Little Grits grow up do they become big, ambitious pit bulls,
uncontrollable and with a savage sense of entitlement.

Here, the kids are dead right.

The big issue facing Canada is not the economy, greenhouse gases or graft.
What can be done about any of that? Nothing. Watch what they do with Judge
Gomery's AdScam Report. Straight to recycling. Yo, Kyoto.

But Issue No. 1: Why is it illegal for Canadians to get boffed by strangers
for cash on a regular basis?

What's wrong about that? Fix it!

Increasingly in an aging population, the people you'd most like to shuck
shorts with want no part of it. Yet those who might gladly rub-and-tug at a
price are forbidden to do so. Prostitutes are scooped! Punished! Taken
advantage of! This is heart-breaking.

It's easy to understand why Grit policy wonks see this as a priority.
Brain-storming, can we not ...

Put a streetwalker track in every riding with a Liberal MP? Electors should
be rewarded for their vision.

Convert courtrooms once dedicated to dishing out fines and punishments for
prostitution into E-Z Lounges, rented by the hour? Sex pros appear
repeatedly in court. I'm sure a few judges and lawyers have their
favourites. At last. Payback.

Use the upper reaches of CBC headquarters for downtown business nooners?
Cries of pleasure echoing across the atrium would encourage casual usage
and traffic. Plus the feds already lease the building.

Hard to believe that within the last decade, newspapers were being
encouraged to publish "John lists" to douse the sex trade. What were we
thinking? Embrace it! Where does Stephen Harper stand on this issue?

Here is how a minority government becomes a majority. Give Canadians what
they want! Legal pot! Legal hookers! But no HBO. That would be too much.
Not bread and circuses, but it's close.

Marie Antoinette said, "Let them eat cake." Prime Minister Dithers'
brilliant 21st Century update: "Let 'em nibble on each other."

From one horny Canuck, the thanks of a grateful nation. And if you have
taken any part of this column seriously--please! Get professional help.