SKUNK SMELLS AS FUNNY AS THE LAW

Hunter S. Thompson is controlling the world from beyond the grave.

What a week!

Prince Charles delivers a passionate defence of the endangered albatross in
New Zealand while unknowingly dressed in a cloak made from the poor
creature's feathers.

Tony Blair says it's time for a debate on how false information from
government can create public panic.

Peter Mansbridge opines that, by George, the Middle East is ripe for
democracy after all -- a day or two before half a million Lebanese bring
back their pro-Syrian prime minister.

The Conservatives try to hold a convention without policy debate.

President Bush appoints an ambassador to the United Nations who says that
the UN does not exist.

And Michael Jackson skips court.

So you can imagine my relief when I found TokaCola.

What exactly is TokaCola? It is an Internet mail order marijuana seed
operation, promising "Discreet Global Delivery." I came across it surfing
for views on the pros and cons of legalizing marijuana.

All of TokaCola's products are grown in Holland or Switzerland from the
best of plants. The company has quite the catalogue. The names of the
various marijuana seeds sound like a cross between hardcore pornography and
the names of professional wrestlers; Five Way, Shiva Haze, Big Bud Afghani,
and Armageddon Skunk.

Each type of seed comes with a gushing description that will sound familiar
to afficionados of tulip bulbs, great burgundy, or Cuban cigars. Here's the
sales pitch for Haze Skunk: "This has the energy and high of the Haze and
the power and robustness of the skunk. A real pedigree among skunks."

Speaking of skunks, what about the apocalyptically named Armageddon Skunk?
"Oh my God, it's the end of the world as we know it! The echelon of
(echeltology). It's a bolt from the blue to know that Armageddon Skunk is a
F1 hybrid combining the best of G13 Hash Plant times Maple Leaf times
BigBud. It's a revelation to see such a holy trinity in perfect
equilibrium. The main attractor that lies at the end of history calling
your name."

Wow, I thought, malapropism, unintended Canadian nationalism, blasphemy and
stoner mysticism all in one short paragraph.

I read on. Armageddon Skunk is an Indoor/Outdoor product that flowers in
7-8 weeks and yields 325-1000 grams per square meter. But for heaven's
sakes, don't be fooled by imitators. If your marijuana seeds don't come
from a TokaCola original bag, you are the proud owner of an unauthorized
knock off grown in a manure pile!

There is a handy order form complete with a check box for how many seeds
you want and their price. Let's see, one packet of Armageddon Skunk
containing 10 seeds goes for $175 US. But here's the truly hilarious part.

Just like those drugs on television that will either put lead in your
pencil or give you a heart attack, there is a lengthy disclaimer. For
example, the TokaCola Seed Company advises all potential customers to check
their national laws and bylaws before placing an order.

"TokaCola Seeds does not want to induce anyone to act in conflict with
their national law. The TokaCola Seed Company cannot be held responsible
for those who do."

The punchline? "All seeds are sold as souvenirs only."

I had to smile. The disingenuous sales pitch of the TokaCola Seed Company
is a lot like our disingenuous marijuana laws.

Even though the Liberals manfully sidestepped the issue at their recent
convention, the facts haven't gone up in smoke: They want to legalize the
use of marijuana at a personal level and bring the hammer down on people
who buy TokaCola seeds for reasons other than collecting souvenirs.

No wonder the younger generation is one toke over the line. After all,
their leaders are saying it's a minor matter to smoke marijuana but a
federal offence to grow it? Not exactly Slinky Toy logic.

As for the health or morality arguments against marijuana, it would be
easier to make the case that Jean Lafleur has a photographic memory. More
than six million Canadians are sucking on their own mortality every day in
the form of cigarettes.

Despite knowing that ciggies are the single most significant and
preventable cause of illness and death in the world, government continues
to sanction and tax this product as an important item of commerce.

Alcohol, another tax feast for government, is the fourth leading cause of
death by disease in Canada and is involved as a factor in 64% of murders,
60% of child abuse, 41% of assaults, 34% of rapes and 30% of suicides.

I think the marketers over at TokaCola have figured things out. Armageddon
Skunk you say?