SLAP A FAT TAX ON ALL THOSE CRACKS

[Picture] The state of Tennessee isn't doing a booming business with its
so-called "crack tax" stamps. Since these things went on sale Jan. 1, agents
have sold exactly - none.

Surprised? Let's hope not.

Indeed, if there's a bureaucrat or legislator from Memphis to Mountain
City who actually believed these stamps would fly off the shelves like
fishing licenses, he or she needs to be removed - from the ranks of
government, if not the gene pool itself.

Our brilliant lawmakers passed this rule last year. It requires drug
dealers, moonshiners and other purveyors of illicit substances to buy
the stamp and affix it to their goods.

A true sin tax on steroids, you might call it.

The cost varies, depending on product. For instance, marijuana fresh
from the field gets taxed at 40 cents per gram. For processed grass,
it's $3.50.

Cocaine your game? Then cough up $50 per gram.

Illegal prescription drugs run $20 a pill.

The stamp for homemade hooch costs $12.80 per gallon if dispensed in
your standard Mason jar. By the drink, it's $31.70 per gallon.

(Boy howdy. Based on the, uh, quality of some of the native firewater
I've sampled, I'd pay $31.70, cash on the barrel head, to anybody who
could knock down a gallon, one shot at a time. But I digress.)

The state swears on a stack of Bibles that all information about these
stamps will remain confidential. Sales agents insist they won't
breathe a word to authorities about who's buying what. Instead, they
just want to make sure illegal drugs and whiskey are stamped. Riiiight.

But as nutty as this charade seems on the surface, it actually makes
sense. Tennessee is one of several states to adopt it.

Here's why: When a dealer or 'shiner gets busted with unstamped
merchandise, the state can add the tax bill to the fine.

It's already paying off.

In the last couple of months, Department of Revenue officials say the
state has assessed $5 million in unstamped merchandise and collected
about $100,000. Not bad for a stamp that hasn't officially generated
one red cent.

But I think the state still hasn't seen the big picture.

In fact, the potential for additional revenue through this stamp is
virtually unlimited. We're talkin' mega-millions in new money, enough
to fund TennCare and education till the end of time.

How? By making it a true "crack" tax.

I don't know how many pot-bellied Tennessee plumbers, electricians,
furniture movers, brick layers, truck drivers - yeah, even newspaper
columnists - make daily exposure of their vertical posterior cleavage
when they bend over, but it has to run into the hundreds of thousands.

Then throw in all the bulbous bikinied beauties who befoul Tennessee's
lakeshores and swimming pools each summer by attempting to camouflage
425 pounds of cellulite with two square inches of cloth.

Are you starting (cringe) to get the picture?

Agreed, it may not be a pretty one. But desperate times call for
desperate measures.

Save Tennessee from financial ruin! Buy your crack tax stamp today!