THIS STATE NEEDS MORE CRIMINALS

Of course marijuana should be illegal, with harsh and brutal
punishments leveled at the criminals who use it.

Why? Because at this very moment international pharmaceutical
companies are pressing pills of many colors designed to create and
maintain every desired mood, or level of focus. They need the entire
pool of America's mood-challenged, for testing, to hone and tune their
new lines of brain enhancing chemicals. When a dirty, longhaired
stoner sits down after work and puffs away at a "doobie" while he's
watching "The Daily Show," he often forgets to take his Zoloft. That's
the awful truth. And where does that leave the thousands of men and
women whose job it is to make and sell powerful legal psychoactive
drugs to our bus drivers, jittery lawyers and schoolchildren? Out of
work, that's where. And what about our legislators? They depend on
tips, just like waitresses. Pharmaceutical companies are big tippers.

But now that we are finally taking aim at self-destructive behavior
that hurts all of us, why stop with marijuana? Tobacco has sunk its
claws more deeply into more users than any drug, ever. We already
heavily tax these hopelessly addicted drug abusers, successfully
diverting their money into the state's checking account and away from
wasteful things like the food and housing of their stunted offspring.
Why not take the final step and outlaw this behavior entirely? Arrest
them for their weakness, weakness which harms all of us through second
hand smoke, increased medical burdens and sloth ("smoke break,"
indeed!). Drop them on Kayak Island, where they can smoke together,
and be forced to make caribou sausages under heavy guard.

Lawmakers are correct to point to marijuana's increased potency as a
fearsome enemy of the state. It should also be noted that the potency
of beer has skyrocketed alarmingly as well. But ask yourself: is there
a safe level of alcohol? Beer is an entry-level drug, which often
leads to whiskey, and then loose women. All beer must be made
non-alcoholic, for the common good. Then round up all those lazy,
staggering drunks who won't teetotal and put them on Chirikof Island.
Make them herd cows, under threat of electric prod.

And don't even get me started about coffee drinkers. Those jerky,
road-enraged tweakers, kicking their copy machines and arguing
politics at Starbucks with flecks of foam flying from their faces;
they need to be shut into rubber rooms where they can bounce
harmlessly off each other.

As long as we're moving in the right direction, let's shackle the
snowmachiners and snowboarders too. Both activities are addictive and
destructive. They serve absolutely no purpose, other than "relaxation"
or "fun." And they are undeniably dangerous. Older thrill-seekers are
constantly tempting the youth with high doses of speed and adrenaline.
How many injuries and deaths must we endure before we arrest and
confine these monsters? Box them up and drop them off somewhere in the
high arctic, preferably in Canada.

Obviously, a responsible society would outlaw all of these activities
to safeguard its citizens, just as a starter. And what about butter
and bacon and breast implants? All dangerous and unnecessary, yet so
terribly tempting. A strong legislature would pass laws to shield its
citizens against all self-destructive activities.

Let's put our bad citizens over a knee and give them a good
criminalizing.

Terry Haines

Kodiak