DRUGS DON'T FILL THE BILL

They can put a man on the moon and clone your cat, but they can't even
invent a good illegal drug.

With marijuana and hashish your reflexes stink, and if you've ever
wondered why joggers pass you when you're driving down the road, it
might be because you're one toke over the line. If you're a guy, you
already lose several dozen IQ points when you meet a beautiful woman,
and if you're stoned, you lose about the same amount. So really, your
IQ drops down into the minus zone. Marijuana and hashish just don't
cut it as good illegal drugs.

Chemicals like LSD and mescaline were never good illegal drugs. You
couldn't work when you were stoned because cars and trains slithered
down roads and tracks like giant serpents. The sky became a
kaleidoscope of colours, and you didn't recognize people you should,
like your boss. And he'd want to know why you're looking at your
fingers and dancing in the warehouse like you're at Woodstock. Nope,
drugs like acid and mescaline just didn't cut it as good illegal drugs
either.

Cocaine certainly doesn't make the grade either. I guess it's not bad
if you don't mind losing your house, your marriage, all that's in your
bank account, and having your kids not like you anymore. Cocaine is
expensive, and the big problem is you spend more in a night for this
stuff than you make at your job. So if you do the math, and you
probably can while stoned on this, nothing adds up. Maybe Bill Gates
could afford to be a hard-core cokehead, but you and I can't.
Absolutely, cocaine doesn't make the grade as a good illegal drug.

However, if you're almost broke, don't have much energy, and need to
stay awake for a long period of time, you could always try crystal
meth, which is a type of speed, and which you may have read about in
the papers lately as more and more homemade labs are busted. If you do
decide to, though, please don't come near me. You start to smell and
your face gets ugly really quick.

You usually shoot meth, which is relatively cheap, into your veins,
and speed freaks don't really care about dirty and dull needles. You
begin to gnaw your teeth down because you can't help it, and your hair
looks like you've dunked your head into a vat of motor oil. Your
breath smells like ether because, well, the makers like to lace your
meth with ether. The smell drifts out of your skin pores, so it's good
if you live near a slaughterhouse so people won't know it's you
they're smelling.

You start to get slightly paranoid. Well maybe not slightly--you think
there's a cop hiding behind every tree and all your best friends are
about to turn you in. Your grandmother's recording your phone calls
and that car there, and that one over there, and that other one, all
have you taped and on camera.

Never had a problem with acne? Meth can cure that really quick. You
start to look like a medium pepperoni pizza. And scratching your acne,
like most speed freaks tend to do, only makes it worse, and someone of
the opposite sex walks across the road to avoid you.

Need to stay up late? Do some meth! However, don't blame me if you're
still shaking three or four days later, without a good yawn. And need
to go on a diet? Do some meth! You'll go from a nice, healthy weight
to scary stringbean in no time flat. However, you'll look like the
grim reaper and those good-looking people of the opposite sex will
hope you quickly move to another country.

I guess meth just isn't a good illegal drug either, and it's darn
depressing. Maybe you should do some to make you feel better.