FIGHT ORGANIZED CRIME - GROW YOUR OWN

Cops want more cash to take on grow ops, but with a tiny closet and a few
gizmos - no mould, no stolen electricity, no neglected kids - we can topple
the drug czars, save policing cash and keep ourselves blissfully buzzed.

Location, Location, Location

Make sure to situate your grow op in an out-of-the-way place like a closet.
You don't want the furnace repair man smelling out your stash. Forgo the
tin-foil lining on the walls. It actually reflects tiny beams of light that
can burn your plants. A coat of flat white paint works best.

Bright Lights, Big Buds

Don't be dazzled by fancy metal halide or high-pressure sodium lights.
Forty-watt fluorescent tubes (attached to a rope or chain for raising and
lowering) or mounted vertically on the wall (some gardeners say it offers
more coverage) will do the trick.

Soil But Don't Spoil

Every pot grower claims to have a secret soil mix that will grow boffo
buds, but a high-quality organic potting soil mixed with sand atop a few
inches of gravel is all you need. A few seeds planted an inch deep in
plastic-wrap-covered pots will get you started. Make sure to punch holes in
the bottom of your pots to allow drainage.

Water Works

The rule of thumb is to water twice a day (at least 12 hours apart) during
the early stages of plant growth, and periodically (when the top layer of
soil becomes dry) once the plant is established. Be careful. Too much water
will rot the roots.

Fertilize It

But don't go crazy with the stuff. And don't bother using fertilizer with
varying amounts of nitrogen, potassium and phosphorus for the different
growing stages of your plants. A scoop of Miracle Gro once a week is enough
bang for your blooms. Also, don't use any fertilizer in the two weeks
before harvest. It'll make for a cleaner smoke.

Shock Goes To Pot

No extension cords and power bars, please. But if running a separate line
from your electrical panel isn't an option, make sure to keep your
electrical off the floor, affixed to a platform of some kind. You don't
want any water accidents giving you the shock of your life.

Take Your Timer

Don't scrimp with the plastic $2.99 special from Canadian Tire. You'll need
to light your plants for 18 to 24 hours a day (12 hours a day when you want
them to bud), so you don't want the contraption going on the fritz and
depriving your buds of nourishment, or melting in the heat. Spring for a
more expensive metal timer.

Flower Power

You'll be growing in cramped quarters, so you'll want to "pinch" the tops
of your plants about a month in to prevent them from growing too high.
Don't bother pruning. Nature doesn't. You only need to remove dead leaves.
Once you've harvested your crop, wrap it in paper bags or place in empty
shoeboxes until completely dry. Smoke freely.

Bugging Out

Dishwashing liquid mixed with water should handle just about any
infestation, but the best guard against an invasion, according to Doc Bush,
is good seeds (available online). Keeping temperatures in the 24-to-27
Celsius range should also help keep humidity under control and ward off
critters.

Air Care

A simple oscillating fan or bathroom ceiling fan (which you can rig to vent
through the ceiling of your closet if you're worried about the smell) will
keep your green breathing easy and free of mould and mildew. Remember, the
hotter the space, the more ventilation is required. If you're really
freaked about smell, splurge for an ionizer.

Just one more thing

It's illegal and you can go to jail for this.