THE WHIZZINATOR: A HOUSE PANEL'S NO. 1 PRIORITY

Every so often, in the hushed galleries of Congress, history unfolds in a
manner that casts the momentous business of Capitol Hill in stark, even
humbling relief.

Then there are moments spent discussing the Whizzinator.

Yesterday morning in Room 2123 of the Rayburn Building, Rep. Bart Stupak, a
sober-voiced Democrat from Michigan, held up an advertisement for the
"drug-test subversion device," which received national attention last week
when it was learned that an NFL player had been detained at Minneapolis-St.
Paul International Airport after authorities found the state-of-the-art
prosthetic in his luggage (with a packet of dehydrated urine). The player
- -- Onterrio Smith of the Minnesota Vikings -- was detained, word of his
predicament leaked (ahem), and Smith became an inadvertent billboard for
the Whizzinator.

The Whizzinator isn't quite the gold standard in athletic endorsements.
Rather, Stupak is bemoaning the ease with which people can buy Whizzinators
with credit cards, money orders or checks, and have them delivered by U.S.
mail or UPS or FedEx.

"How will we stop the flow?" he asks plaintively. A small cluster of
spectators -- seizing on the unintended double-entendre -- giggle audibly
in the back of the room.

It is one of those mornings.

The hearing -- which was scheduled before the Smith incident -- lasts three
hours and includes testimony from federal investigators, district attorneys
and representatives from the drug-testing sector (including the aptly named
Barry Sample of Quest Diagnostics Inc.). They testify eloquently about the
perils, loopholes and outrages inherent in drug-masking and "the human cost
of adulterated or substituted specimens." They keep mentioning the Whizzinator.

Onlookers stifle cackles and snickers, or try to. "People want to make this
a skit on 'Saturday Night Live,' " says Rep. Joe Barton. But it's not
funny, the Texas Republican says, not funny at all.

"You don't want to be able to walk into your local Kmart or something and
buy a Whizzinator," testifies Susan Reed, the district attorney from Bexar
County, Tex.

"This has been like free advertising for the Whizzinator," bemoans Robert
Cramer, an investigator for the Government Accountability Office, referring
to the Smith incident.

Cramer is stretching his legs during a brief recess while a small spectacle
develops a few feet away. A press scrum gathers around Dennis Catalano,
originator of the Whizzinator. He is one of three representatives from
companies that make products that could be used to subvert drug tests who
have been compelled (by subpoena) to testify.

Catalano, who owns Puck Technology of Signal Hill, Calif., is something of
a Henry Ford figure in this business. There are all manner of urine
purifiers and substitutes on the market. But nobody beats the Whizzinator
in terms of brand recognition, especially after Onterrio Smith.

Still, no one is revering these men as industrial visionaries. Rep. Greg
Walden (R-Ore.) calls them "jokers" and asks one how they can sleep at night.

In response to questions from reporters, Catalano merely strokes his long
gray beard and presses down on his lips with two fingers. How has the
airport incident been for business?

"He will not be saying anything," says Barry Boss, Catalano's attorney. At
one point, Catalano, who is wearing a white sport jacket over a Hawaiian
shirt, emits strained squeaks, and one reporter asks if he is actually
capable of speaking.

"Yes," Catalano whispers, now pulling on his beard.

Catalano takes his seat when Rep. Ed Whitfield (R-Ky.), chairman of the
oversight and investigations subcommittee of the Energy and Commerce
Committee, calls the hearing back to order. After a videotaped appearance
by a prison inmate who testifies about the ease with which he could evade
drug tests, Catalano and his fellow barons move to the front of the hearing
room. They rise, in tandem, raise their right hands and take their oaths.
Whitfield asks Catalano a question about the potential legitimate uses of
the Whizzinator.

"On the advice of my attorney," Catalano says quietly, "I respectfully
decline to answer under my Fifth Amendment right."

Whitfield dismisses Mr. Whizzinator, who bolts from the hearing room,
grinning. He arrived in Washington this morning, on the red-eye from
California, and is now headed back to the airport. No, he says in response
to a question, he did not get to enjoy the spring day, see any sights or
take in the monuments.

"But I've seen one of the greatest monuments of all," Catalano says, now
fully animated. "I've sat before one of the greatest bodies in the world."
With that, the originator of the Whizzinator marches toward a waiting car
and into history.