FAKING DRUG TESTS A VIAL HABIT

New evidence suggests that professional sports are doing a better job
of making athletes take drug-testing programs seriously.

The new evidence is the growing popularity of the amazing Whizzinator,
an improbable invention that has the potential to revolutionize the
way players equip themselves for competition.

Even if you don't own one, you've probably heard of "The Original
Whizzinator" by now. It is a prosthetic penis and urinating device
used to defeat drug tests. Please, don't be fooled by cheap
imitations. Only the Whizzinator comes with a high-quality vinyl bag,
dehydrated human urine, heat pads to deliver specimens at the proper
temperature and a variety of skin colors to accommodate the diverse
needs of offenders everywhere.

The gift that keeps on giving, the Whizzinator sells for $150
(additional dehydrated urine packets go for $12 each, three for $30)
and is marketed over the Internet by Puck Technology in Signal Hill,
Calif. "The Whizzinator has been extensively tested and proven to work
under real-life conditions!" says the company's Web site. "It is
designed to be comfortably worn as an undergarment for extended
periods of time! And our quality production and materials assure you
that the Whizzinator will let it flow, again and again, anytime,
anywhere you need it!

"Please read the instructions carefully, and then practice!"

There is only one problem! The instruction booklet that comes with the
Whizzinator doesn't tell the owner how not to be stupid! In the hands
of an idiot, even the perfect prosthetic device is as worthless as an
artificial discharge of reconstituted waste!

Which brings us to Onterrio Smith, a running back for the NFL's
Minnesota Vikings who has a rich history of drug problems. Mr. Smith
was going through security at Minneapolis-St. Paul International
Airport last month when one of the screeners noticed the revolutionary
device in his bag and was particularly interested in the vials of
suspicious white powder. This put Mr. Smith in the uncomfortable
position of having to explain that, no, the vials did not contain
drugs -- but, truth be told, they did contain powdered urine.

Any self-respecting professional athlete knows that when you're caught
red-handed, the thing to do is stand straight, take a step forward and
acknowledge the guilt of someone else. Mr. Smith told authorities that
the Whizzinator paraphernalia wasn't his and that he was merely
transporting it to his cousin.

Athletes who make it big have a responsibility to care for those loved
ones who have helped make success possible. Keeping the family stocked
in Whizzinators is one way Mr. Smith can say "thank you."

Naturally, the incident has exposed legal complications in the
National Football League's substance-abuse program. Since coming into
the league, Mr. Smith has tested positive twice -- most recently for
marijuana -- and faces a year's suspension for a third strike. It is
clear in the league rules that players who do not submit to a drug
test are considered to have failed it. But what about getting caught
with a Whizzinator?

It will take new language and new protocols to protect drug-testing
programs from the extraordinary advances in counter-testing
technology. Major League Baseball is trying to rid itself of a steroid
scandal and has to work out a tougher testing plan with the players
union. Somewhere in the agreement, there's going to have to be a "No
Whizzinator" clause.

The devices also pose problems for employer and court-ordered
programs. Puck Technology doesn't respond to inquiries from the media,
but there's every reason to suspect that many of the devices have been
shipped out to non-athletes -- people who need clean tests to satisfy
judges, probation officers, bosses and perhaps even parents and high
school principals. Mr. Smith has thousands of potential cousins out
there.

Drug testers knew they would have to defend against sophisticated
attempts to mask banned substances with chemical agents. But the
threat posed by vinyl bags and powdered urine was thought to be minimal.

The rise of the Whizzinator underscores the pathetic nature of drug
abusers, who without shame or embarrassment are willing to lie and
cheat to get where they're going, then risk everything for nothing
once they get there.