IN MY OPINION

AS SMITH FOUND, WHIZZINATOR NOT THE BEST CHOICE

Imagine the look on airport screeners' faces when they opened Onterrio
Smith's carry-on bag and discovered The Original Whizzinator, which is a
prosthetic penis.

Smith could have tried to pass himself off as a porn star with a sex toy,
but he was easily identifiable in Minneapolis-St. Paul as a Vikings running
back. Security agents asked him about the contraption and the vials of white
powder. He told them it was a urinating device and dehydrated urine. The kit
belonged to his cousin, he said.

The NFL didn't buy it and last week called a third strike on Smith for
breaking the league's drug-testing rules. He was suspended for the 2005
season. He might want to get in touch with the counselors who have
supposedly cured Ricky Williams of his pot-smoking habit.

The Original Whizzinator, according to the product website, is
''Undetectable! Foolproof! Re-usable!'' and ''very realistic.'' For $150,
you can even choose between five lifelike colors -- white, tan, Latino,
brown and black. Or, ''finally, a solution for women'' -- a discreet plastic
tube -- for $49.95.

``Used with our organic heat pads, it is guaranteed to maintain body
temperature for eight hours. And our quality production and materials
assures you that the Whizzinator will let it flow, again and again, anytime,
anywhere you need it!''

What it doesn't say on the website is that the Whizzinator is designed to
beat drug tests. It's just one product in a flourishing, $50 million
industry.

For athletes, however, it's not the best choice. Unlike employees who get
some privacy in the stall when providing a sample, athletes have to be naked
from waist to knees and are observed by collectors.

''When we say we're watching them, we're really watching them,'' said Frank
Uryasz, president of the National Center for Drug-Free Sport. ``We're
trained to see the sample leave the athlete and go into the cup.''

Smith deserved to be suspended for stupidity alone. There are plenty of more
sophisticated ways to cheat. With NFL training camps, the Tour de France and
the height of track and field season soon upon us, you can be sure athletes
are using old, reliable and new, ingenious methods to thwart testers.

''At least 400 products are on the market -- some are scams, some are
effective,'' said Melissa Moskal, executive director of the Drugs and
Alcohol Testing Industry Association. ``Our labs are constantly finding ways
to counteract these methods. But I would say 98 percent of those tested are
honest.''

Among the items on the Internet:

- - Max-Out Total, which includes a six-day supply of tablets, a bottle of
Body-Tox liquid and 15 One-Hour Fast Flush pills for $288 (with a money-back
guarantee).

- - afterBurner hair follicle treatment, which cleans and restores hair
damaged by ''drugs of abuse such as alcohol, nicotine, marijuana, cocaine,
opiates, methamphetamines, heroin, benzodiazepines, etc.,'' for $129.99
(short hair) or $149.99 (long hair).

- - The Clean Machine's Quick Clean line ''when time is of the essence.''
There's the chewable tablet (''Keep this handy item in your pocket for
emergencies'') or the $89 Quick Shot (``Simply drink the 32-ounce bottle and
that's it!'').

But athletes who have managed to stay a stride ahead of the underfunded
World Anti-Doping Agency or insincere FIFA (soccer's governing body) or the
zero-credibility cycling federation or America's look-the-other-way pro
leagues know most of these cleansers are for amateurs.

''We measure the sample's concentration and acidity at the time it's given,
so if an athlete has used something that produces a very diluted sample, he
or she is detained until they can give us another one,'' Uryasz said.
``Sometimes it takes hours.''

CREATIVITY COUNTS

Doping isn't for dopes. If you want to compete with the best, diuretics
won't do. It works the same way in society, whether it's a school exam or an
income tax form or a corporate earnings report or a justification for war --
manipulation is the key.

Catheterization has deceived collectors in the past. An athlete empties his
bladder and fills it with clean urine. Female athletes have inserted bags of
clean urine into the vagina and male athletes have inserted bags into the
rectum with tiny tubes coming out between their legs.

Proven winners: Designer steroids that aren't on the banned list, human
growth hormone, synthetic blood or a transfusion of somebody's else's blood.
Already in the experimentation stage is gene doping -- injectable muscles.

BALCO TRIAL LOOMS

Summer is here. Stay tuned for the BALCO trial and more congressional
testimony on how to clean up sports. We're bound to hear the usual excuses
for positive tests -- and some clever new ones. Remember how a curious
epidemic of narcolepsy had struck sprinters and they all needed Modafinil?

If all else fails, lie. That's what two Greek track stars did on the eve of
the Athens Olympics when they staged a motorcycle accident to avoid a test.

As for the plastic penis, don't be one.