THE COST OF LIGHTING UP

A Republican friend phoned to pass this along. A bartender informed him
that if you walk into a Madison bar - no, stay with us, this isn't a bad
joke - and light up a cigarette, it's a $150 fine. If you walk into a bar
and light up a joint, it's a $135 fine. That would be $35 more to smoke a
cigarette than a joint of marijuana in Madison.

We decided to run this bar-time hearsay past City Attorney Mike May.

May's word of warning - don't ignite that pot so fast.

"Smoking violations are $125 for the first offense and up to $500 for the
second," responds May. "The casual possession of marijuana is $100 per
offense." But there's more to it.

"Use of drug paraphernalia (which would be required to actually smoke the
marijuana) is a fine of up to $500," he continues. "Our office would take
the position that the person is smoking, in possession of marijuana and
using drug paraphernalia. The total fine would be up to $725 plus court
costs. And, of course, the person could be charged criminally under the
state law.

"Nice try," concludes May. "We'd love to know who this person is, and when
and where they might try this!"

Sorry Mike, journalists must protect their sources. But try hunting 'em
down. It's as good an excuse as any to hit the bars.

King: Mitchard's 'Breakdown' beastly brilliant

Local author Jacquelyn Mitchard gets a big smooch from Stephen King in his
current Entertainment Weekly column, where he places her latest book "The
Breakdown Lane" among seven books on his "Great Late-Summer Reading List."

"This definitely comes from the "men are such beasts" school of writing,"
pens King, "but I couldn't quit." He lavishes particular praise on sections
"written by" the protagonist's teenage son. King dubs him, "Holden
Caulfield with a spell-checker."

And the first shall be last, last shall be first

Can there be more than one first? Folks in the Madison Mallards
administrative office say yes, absolutely.

In fact, at this season's opening game there were five celebs tossing out
the "first" pitch. Mayor Dave Cieslewicz can technically trump the governor
saying he had the very first First Pitch. And Gov. Jim Doyle can respond
that he got the honor of the Last First Pitch.

Stuck in the middle doing "first pitches" were Jason Finner, son of a rep
of a sponsor, WKOW-Ch. 27's Jay Wilson and former Milwaukee Brave shortstop
Johnny Logan.

"It's become a joke in our office that we can't say no to anyone," says
Vern Stenman, the Mallards' GM. "Now we're going to give all our fans who
want it that honor. They're all celebrities in our book."

At Sunday's game, the team will attempt "The World's Largest First Pitch."
Stenman says they plan to open the gates early and the first 3,000 people
can come on the field, be announced and throw a first pitch. "We'll roll
red carpet from the entrance on to the field," he says.

So who had the pitch of honor, Doyle or Cieslewicz?

Sidestepping the line drive, Vern chooses a "no comment."

Madison, we can say we knew you when . . .

A new study by the nonpartisan Bay Area Center for Voting Research ranks
the political leanings of American cities with more than 100,000 residents,
based on the results of the 2004 presidential elections.

The Sixties are forever gone. And, fair Madison, you've shed your Communist
tendencies.

What's startling are the cities that out-red us: Ranking as America's most
liberal is Detroit, followed by Gary, Ind. Berkeley's next.

And we'll stop the list there to bring you the following announcement: We
didn't even make the top 25 lefty bastions! Madison is number 34.

Below Birmingham, Ala. And Dallas.Radio talk jocks, out-state legislators
and cigarette manufacturers, take note. As summed up by our colleague
George Hesselberg: We've shrunk from an island of unreality to a mere
peninsula.

He adds: "They must not have done an ashtray census."