TENSIONS RISE OVER SEEDS

Editor:

News Item: U.S. - Canadian tensions rise.

The U.S. is growing increasingly frustrated with the Canadian
judicial system over the delays in extraditing Mark Emery, who is
accused of selling marijuana seeds over the internet. The Supreme
Court of Canada have been behind closed doors for over two weeks
while they intensely study the effects and legality of marijuana.

When advised that U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was
demanding immediate action, the judges, who emerged from their
quarters wearing tie-dyed robes and looking clearly euphoric, issued
a public statement suggesting that the attorney general "should chill
out, put on a Grateful Dead LP, and fire up a fatty."

In response, Gonzales flew up to Blaine Washington, and alongside 0
Avenue with Langley providing the backdrop, held a national press
conference announcing a series of retaliatory measures.

The first action was demanding the extradition of Langley businessman
Hans Zoff, who operates a small mail order bakery. He is accused of
exporting poppy seed bagels into the United States.

Gonzales claimed, "Poppy seeds can be cultivated to grow poppy
plants, which can produce opium, which is an illegal drug. Not only
will this help us in our war against drugs, but with the added ban on
Nova Scotia lox and Canadian bacon, it will also assist us in the war
on obesity".

The second announcement called for an immediate trade ban on all
Canadian wood and pulp products. Gonzales justified this by claiming,
"pulp is the primary ingredient in the production of rolling paper
like Zig Zag, which is used by marijuana users." He cited the
precedent setting case of Tommy Chong, who was convicted of selling
bongs on line. "Not only does this help us fight the war on drugs",
claimed the attorney general, "but it also helps us fight the evil
WTO who keeps voting in favour of Canadian softwood manufacturers".

The final surprising announcement was a trade sanction against
specific dog breeders. Citing this as President Bush's personal
project, the ban will be on all breeds of terriers. Quoting Bush,
"This will help us fight the war against global terrier-ism".

Unfortunately, immediately following that announcement, the ground
opened up under the attorney general, and he tumbled into a
previously-undiscovered tunnel. He was rushed to Langley Memorial
Hospital, preferring to take his chances with Canada's socialized
medical care rather than risk his life under America's notorious HMO system.

Upon hearing that Gonzales was suffering great pain in a Canadian
hospital, the Supreme Court of Canada sent him a "Get Well" basket of
poppy seed bagels.

Bob Schwartz, Langley